Singe Whitson, a child and adolescent therapist, spoke about the importance of identifying rude and mean behavior compared to bullying behaviors. It can be easy to categorize bad behavior as bullying, but it is important to not overgeneralize this term. Although a therapist never wants to minimize a client's situation, we all must learn the difference between these terms in order to not simplify the term "bullying". In reality, bullying is a very serious issue.

Whitson defines rude as, “inadvertently saying or doing something that hurts someone else". These may be seen as social errors such as, burping in someone's face, cutting in line, or kicking a ball at someone. The problem with this is that rude situations are often spontaneous. A child does not mean to burp in someone's face, but without meaning to do so, they are hurting someone else. 

Being mean involves “purposefully saying or doing something to hurt someone once (or maybe twice).” Whitson explains,  “mean behavior very much aims to hurt or depreciate someone….Very often, mean behavior in kids is motivated by angry feelings and/or the misguided goal of propping themselves up in comparison to the person they are putting down.” Although both mean and rude behavior needs to be corrected, it is important to understand how they are different from bullying. 

Bullying is “intentionally aggressive behavior, repeated over time, that involves an imbalance of power….Kids who bully say or do something intentionally hurtful to others and they keep doing it, with no sense of regret or remorse -- even when targets of bullying show or express their hurt or tell the aggressors to stop.” There are many different forms of bullying including, physical, verbal, relational, and cyberbullying. The reason bullying is worse than mean or rude behavior is because of the repeated actions that leave the person being bullied feeling helpless. 

Although bullying has become a topic of greater interest, it can never be talked about enough. Bullying has many long lasting effects on children and adolescents. It is important for parents to be aware of the signs that your child is bullying someone, or being bullied. Preventing bullying will make a difference. 

 Contact us for more information on individuals who are suffering from bullying, people who may have lasting effects such as anxiety or depression, or for help with children who are struggling.

~Written by Allison Parker and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference: “A Mighty Girl.” Www.amightygirl.com, 16 Apr. 2018, www.amightygirl.com/?https=true.

Sometimes suffering from anxiety can be hard to understand if you don't suffer from it yourself. People without anxiety often think "Just breathe and you'll be fine" or "What's the big deal?". But to people with anxiety, it's a really big deal. Here are the top 7 things anxiety sufferers want those without it to know. 

1. People with anxiety obsess over the little things. 
Things that seem like little things to you, are actually really big things to people who suffer with anxiety. Something as "small" as being looked at wrong or ignored can be very daunting. Situations like these stick with them throughout the day causing even more problems. So the next time something "small" happens, recognize it can be big to them. 

2. People with anxiety have every intention of going to an outing, but at last minute cancel. 
As these daunting ideas continue through out the day, our decision to go out to the movies or dinner becomes the worst idea in the world. Although people with anxiety want to go out, their thoughts often get the best of them and lead to only one decision, canceling. 

3. We are exhausted. 
The constant thinking and question can take a toll on a person who suffers from anxiety. Distracting thoughts throughout the day lead to staying up late at night constantly thinking. This leads to a lack of sleep and struggle to wake up in the morning. Waking up is a struggle for everyone, but imagine what it's like for someone with anxiety. 

4. Anxiety sufferers replay conversations in our head.
When your mind is constantly thinking and running through every possible scenario, you often start to explain a topic faster than possible. All of a sudden, what you're saying isn't making sense. This can be embarrassing for someone who suffers from anxiety. With that feeling of embarrassment, they often shut down. This doesn't mean they're in a mood, they're just struggling with that moment. 

5. Anxiety sufferers compare themselves to others. 
It's hard for someone with anxiety to understand how easy it is for people to get over things. When they see in person or on social media everything that is going on in other people's lives, they often question why it's so much harder for them. This causing even more of an issue when they begin worrying about why they're so worried all the time. 

6. Anxiety sufferers obsess over mistakes and beat ourselves up over it:
When something goes wrong, they often blame themselves. Therefore, when they make a mistake, they obsess over it. Doing things wrong and believing they're not good enough can lead to bigger problems. It's no surprise they're perfectionists. 

7. Finally: please, please don’t give up on us.
Sometimes, when a person with anxiety has no other option than to give up on themselves, they really need YOU to not give up on them. Although it can be frustrating and hard to understand, don't give up on them. 

People who suffer with anxiety are aware of how irrational they may sound. They know what they are going through and they're trying their hardest. Before giving up on them, try to understand them. 

While this information is geared towards individuals who suffer with anxiety, this same information about empathy and understanding emotions can be used to all individuals with disabilties. 

 Contact us for more information on individuals who suffer with anxiety, learning and expressing emotions, or for help with children who are struggling.

~Written by Allison Parker and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference: Mazza, Laura. “Top 7 Things Anxiety Sufferers Want Those without It to Know.”Love What Matters. 

In our last blog (Click here to read if you missed it) we found ourselves in math class and for some reason our friend wasn’t talking to us. We didn’t know why and so instead of just paying attention in class and then calmly asking them afterwards we tried to figure out what was wrong without any facts. We thought they might be angry at us, that we might have done something wrong or that something bad might have happened. Having these thoughts then led to a shift in our mood, now by creating those thoughts, we may be experiencing anxiety and depressive symptoms. Eventually these thoughts and feelings might lead to a fight with our friend or perhaps we may hold a grudge or stop talking to them altogether, simply because we created a false reality without any facts to support it.  This false reality is called Cognitive Distortion.

Humans are psychologically lazy and so we put together bits and pieces of information without knowing the whole picture in order to save time. Sometimes this works out great, but without all of the pieces, this picture of reality becomes somewhat distorted or skewed and over time can lead to truly negative thoughts about ourselves and feeling intense emotions that start to control our lives. We become Mind Readers stating that we know what others are thinking and feeling without having any idea and so we become convinced that they have negative thoughts about us. We become Fortune Tellers, negatively predicting what the future holds and inhibiting our progress at work, school or in relationships and so we don’t try for that promotion or honors class or relationship.

Life hands us plenty of real problems and issues that we have to deal with, adding this extra layer of distorted stress and pain certainly doesn’t help any of that. Exploring these distortions places emphasis on facts rather than guessing what might be facts. It’s hard, but if we jump back to that classroom desk, we can say to ourselves, “I am not sure what is going on right now, but let’s focus on math and I can speak to my friend afterwards to find out what is going on”. Another great example of this in all of our lives is if we text someone and they don’t immediately text back. Maybe you did something wrong maybe not, but spiraling into depression and anxiety is not the answer and learning how to communicate without jumping to conclusions solves the majority of these dilemmas. If we simply change the first thought from negative to positive or even just neutral, we prevent the intense negative emotion and we stop the negative behaviors.

Deconstructing and limiting cognitive distortions is a difficult process but attending therapy can provide you with the skills to analyze your thoughts and feelings leading to diminished depression and anxiety as well as significantly less couple and familial discord. We will be happy to help you on this journey!

Be well,

Dr. Ben Alpert

To discuss this and other issues or behaviors in detail, contact us at Hilber Psychological Services. And if you want to read previous posts about cognitive distortion, click here

Burns, D. D. (1999). The feeling good handbook. New York, N.Y., U.S.A: Plume.

Greenberger, D., & Padesky, C. A. (2016). Mind over mood: change how you feel by changing the way you think. Second edition. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

During the first therapy session, I like to teach patients about the different styles of therapy that might help them depending on their specific problem or issue. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is an orientation based on the Cognitive Triad, the connection between Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviors. Patients usually nod their heads at this psychology jargon stating that they grasp the basic concepts but in order to help connect it to their real lives, I introduce the following scenario:

Imagine you’re in high school and sitting in the front row of math class. There is one empty seat next to you and the minute before the bell rings for class to start, your best friend sits down next to you. You say “Hey, what’s up!” and your friend doesn’t respond and doesn’t even look at you. Class begins and the teacher is standing right in front of you so you can’t talk, text or pass notes until class is over. Why didn’t your friend respond? What are you thinking? What emotions are you feeling? What physical reactions occur in your body? How are you behaving in the moment? How will you act after class?

Your answer to all of these questions will depend on your specific personality characteristics, life experiences and perhaps on the psychological issues (anxiety, depression, PTSD, low self-esteem, relationship conflict) you may be struggling with. Your brain starts moving at a mile a minute to figure it all out.

Let’s break this math class situation down because it’s sometimes hard to differentiate between thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Thoughts: Why didn’t my friend talk to me? What did I do wrong? Are they angry at me? Did I say or do something that made them angry or upset? Let’s replay every conversation I have had with them over the past week or month or year or decade. This may take a while. Was it that joke I told? Maybe they took it the wrong way? Did I forget their birthday or to call them back? Did they think I was trying to hit on someone they liked? Did I not wear pink on pink day last week? Are they still angry that I borrowed their favorite stuffed animal when we were 5 and I never gave it back? I always do these things, nobody will ever like me. Wait, maybe something terrible happened to my friend, maybe someone died, who could it be, oh this is terrible. Your mind will continue to jump from place to place struggling to figure out what might be occurring.

Wow, all of those intense thoughts have now led to a whirlwind of emotions.

Moods/Emotions/Feelings: I am so anxious about all of the things I might have done or might have happened. I feel super depressed because my friendship may be over. I am so angry at them for feeling this way about me.

These emotions are so strong, I can feel them physically.

Physical Reactions: I may throw up, my heart is racing, my lungs feel heavy, I am sweating, I am shaking.

Now that I am experiencing all of these physical changes, I can’t just let it go, I am going to do or say something at the end of class.

Behaviors/Actions: In the moment: Lack of focus on math. After class: I am too scared to talk to my friend, maybe I’ll just walk out of class without talking to them (this may lead to a rift in your relationship). I am going to yell at my friend or say the meanest things I can to them for not talking to me because I am certain that they are angry at me so I am going to attack first. Let me come up with that list of meanest things now so I will be ready. Perhaps you bad mouth your friend behind their back or tell others that you are angry or upset with this friend for what they did which could lead to the destruction of your friendship or their friendships with others. Some of these may seem like extreme reactions but they happen all the time.

Gosh, that’s a lot of stuff going on in terms of possible thoughts, feelings, physical reactions and behaviors! Now what if I told you that your friend was just super tired because they stayed up late watching a movie, they barely got any sleep and they didn’t even hear you say hello. You have just spent the last 45 minutes creating countless scenarios of what you may have done wrong, you are possibly highly anxious, super depressed or incredibly angry, you made yourself physically ill, you may hurt or destroy your friendship with your behaviors afterwards by separating or retaliating, oh and you didn’t learn any math so you might fail the next test all because you created a false reality in your head. Learning how to stop this spiral is crucial in learning how to better our relationships and also manage stress, anxiety and depression.

In part two we will discuss why this happens and what to do to stop ourselves from getting caught in negative thought spirals. Check it out here: Part Two

Be well,

Dr. Ben Alpert :-)

To discuss this and other issues or behaviors in detail, contact us at Hilber Psychological Services. To read more about cognitive distortion, feel free to click on this additional blog post.

Burns, D. D. (1999). The feeling good handbook. New York, N.Y., U.S.A: Plume.

Greenberger, D., & Padesky, C. A. (2016). Mind over mood: change how you feel by changing the way you think. Second edition. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.