The parent-child relationship is ever changing and ever growing. As children become their own individuals, it can be difficult for parents to know how to continue to connect with their children. According to authors Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, there are 5 love languages that children express, as discussed in their book “The 5 Love Languages of Children.” Throughout the past few weeks, I have discussed two out of the five love languages. The first love language, physical touch, can be explored in the articles “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 1” and “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 2.” The second love language, words of affirmation, can be read about in “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 3” and “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 4.”Today, I will be discussing the third of five love languages of children, quality time.

Quality time is undivided attention that a parent gives to a child. This means that the parent and child are interacting with no disruptions and no distractions.

As infants, children naturally experience a lot of quality time with a parent. From being fed a bottle to having a diaper changed, these small interactions greatly impact the bond between parent and child. As children become older, and thus more independent, it can be difficult for parents and children to experience quality time together. Parents are often busy with work, taking care of children, and/or engaging in household tasks. Let alone parents are people too, and often have their own emotional stressors. Children can also be busy, between school, homework, spending time with friends, and after school activities, it may feel that there is no time left in the day for quality parent-child interactions.

Even if it feels like there is no extra time to spend together, quality time is important. For children, the message is simple - when adults spend time with them, they hear, “You are a priority and I enjoy spending time with you.” When children feel ignored or that parents are too busy for them, the message they receive states, “You are not as important to me as this phone call/email/task.”

Often times, children will engage in various behaviors to obtain the attention of a parent. Even if it is negative attention, it is better than no attention, and the behavior will continue. Therefore, problematic behaviors can begin to occur for a child who is desperately trying to gain the attention of a parent, even if that attention is through a parent yelling or lecturing a child.

While providing a child with quality time, it is essential for parents to engage with the child on his or her developmental level. For example, if a child is learning to crawl, a parent can sit on the floor and engage with the child. If a child is playing in the sandbox, a parent can sit with them and play in the sand. If a child is interested in baseball, play catch together. If a child is interested in dance, practice with them. There are many ways for parents to engage in quality time with a child.

If there are siblings in the home, it is important for parents to spend equal amounts of quality time with each individual child. It may be difficult to find time to spend one-on-one time with one sibling at a time, but it can be done. Look for gaps or areas in the day that could be filled with some quality time. Engage in a conversation with a child while dropping him or her off at a friend’s house. Cook breakfast or dinner together. Talk about the child’s day after school. Help the child with homework. There are a lot of moments in which a parent can spend quality time with a child - look for these moments and engage.

Tune back next week as I discuss Tips and Tricks for how to spend quality time together and for examples of what that might look like.

If you have enjoyed reading these blog posts but are having difficulty implementing these suggestions into your own life, seeking therapy can be a wonderful way to receive individualized treatment to review parenting styles, parenting stressors, or even your relationship with your own parents. From individual therapy, to couples therapy, to family therapy, there are many options for you to explore you and your family’s goals. For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment. 

For many individuals, parenting is a full-time job. It can difficult knowing how to connect with a child whose needs and wants change with each developmental stage. One of the ways parents can connect with their children is by understanding how each individual child gives and accepts love. In examining the book “The 5 Love Languages of Children” by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, I hope to take some of these core concepts and discuss how they can be incorporated in parent-child relationships. To learn about the overall concept of the love languages of children, please review my article “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 1.” Out of the five love languages, you can read about the first one, physical touch, and the first part of the second love language, words of affirmation. Today, I will continue discussing words of affirmation and its importance in a child’s life.Last week we discussed the difference between words of affection and praise. Now, let’s examine encouragement and the power it can have.

When a parent encourages a child, in some aspects the parent is motivating the child to try. For example, a parent may say, “Great job, you can do this - yes, you got it, keep going!” to a child taking his or her first steps. In this sense, a parent is utilizing words of affirmation to help build a child’s self-esteem and sense of accomplishment.

As children get older, encouragement can also be used to help guide children as they learn to communicate with peers. For example, a parent may state, “Ben, I noticed how your shared your toy train with your brother. What a wonderful way to spend time together.” In this aspect, the parent is connecting with Ben providing him with words of affirmation while praising a skill that will help Ben in future interactions. Ben will likely be encouraged to share in future situations thanks to the positive feedback provided.

For some parents, being positive and incorporating lots of encouragement may be difficult. It is important for parents to be aware of their own emotional state before interacting with a child. In this sense, tone is incredibly important. Children will often pick up on a parent’s emotional state and reflect that emotion back to the parent. For example, if a parent is angry and snaps, “Pick up your toys!,” the child will likely respond in a similar tone and shout, “No!” By using words of encouragement, a parent may instead ask “Will you please pick up your toys?” to which the child is more likely to favorably respond.

Every child is different, and therefore, it is important for a parent to make an effort to understand the child’s primary love language. Using a harsh tone or making critical comments are harmful to children in general, but they can be especially destructive to children who have words of affirmation as a primary love language. Therefore, it is important for parents and caregivers to apologize for any critical or negative remarks said to a child, and to create more positive interactions.

Join me next time as I explore the third love language of children, quality time.

If you feel that you are a parent who is struggling with your relationship with your child, or that it is difficult for you to incorporate words of affirmation into your parenting style, seeking therapy can be a great option.For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment.

Welcome back! For the past two articles, I have introduced the five ways that children express love based on the book “The Five Love Languages of Children” by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. These love languages include physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. For a general overview, please review the article “The 5 Love Languages of Children, Part 1.” In my most recent article, “The 5 Love Languages of Children, Part 2,” I reviewed the first of the five love languages for children, physical touch. Today I will be exploring the second love language for children, words of affirmation, and how parents can incorporate this language into the relationship with their children. Words are important and children hear it all. From words of encouragement, to words of love, to words of frustration, children listen. Frequent words of affirmation, love, or encouragement are important for children to hear for they provide a positive foundation to which a child may build his or her sense of self, which includes a child’s self-esteem and self-worth. When a child hears negative statements from parents a child may internalize these words which inherently casts a cloud of doubt over the child and his or her abilities. As such, children should hear and be exposed to frequent words of affirmation.

Before children can understand and interpret language, they can receive messages through multiple cues. For example, a child whose parent says “I love you” in a gentle, soothing tone while smiling at the child will create an emotional message of love and warmth, even if the child does not yet understand the construct of love. Children need these concrete concepts to learn. They cannot yet understand things that are abstract, such as love. Therefore, parents can teach children about love by how it is expressed. For example, the phrase “I love you” can be more meaningful for individuals when it is associated with affectionate feelings, demonstrated by tone and/or facial cues. As a child grows older, a parent can use words of affirmation in various ways, from stating “I love you” to saying, “You have a beautiful smile.”

I would also like to point out the difference between words of affection or love and praise. Words of love are about expressing appreciation for the child as a whole, while praise is used to refer to a child’s behavior.

Words of affirmation are an important part of expressing love in parent-child relationships. However, parents should be careful not to use praise too frequently. Parents who praise children too much run the risk of the words having little to no effect on the child. For example, a father is playing catch with his son. If the father says, “great catch” for every catch the son makes, the son will be unable to recognize when he actually does make a great catch. This can impact the son’s self-esteem and sense of worth. Furthermore, if a child grows up hearing frequent praise, this can lead to feelings of inadequacy or anxiety when the child does not receive praise for a behavior. At the end of the day, it is important for parents to praise children on wanted behaviors. In addition, a parent should believe the praise, not just say “great catch!” because he or she feels like it needs to be said.

Tune back next time as we continue to explore the love language, Words of Affirmation. More specifically, I will discuss what Chapman and Campbell refer to as “The Power of Encouragement,” as well as how to know if a child’s main love language is words of affirmation and what he or she may say about it.

If reading this article is helpful and you are interested in learning more about parenting or connecting with your child, therapy can be a great option to explore individualized cases. There are many different types of therapy available, including individual therapy, couples therapy, and/or family therapy. For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment.

In the previous article, “The 5 Love Languages of Children, Part 1,” I began to discuss the 5 love languages of children based on the book of the same name by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. These include physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts. Today, we will continue to discuss the first of five love languages, physical touch, and how this love language may change throughout a child’s lifetime. Let’s take some time to explore what the love language of physical touch may look like at each developmental stage.

During infancy, physical touch is an important aspect of the relationship between parent and child. This may be presented in different ways. A parent engages in physical touch while feeding the infant a bottle or while changing the child’s diaper. Because infants are not able to verbalize with a parent, the communication between parent and child relies solely on physical touch. Is a child being held lovingly every day? Is a child sitting alone in a crib unattended for long periods of time? Even as an infant, a child understands the difference between a gentle and loving touch, such as being rocked to sleep, versus a harsh or irritating touch, such as forcefully changing a diaper. It is important for parents to be mindful of not only their interactions with the child, but those of other individuals around the child, such as a caregiver or other family members.

As the child becomes a toddler playful touch becomes important for a child’s emotional development. An example of playful touch may include a parent playing patty-cake and intertwining his or her hands with the child's hands.

For parents who feel that they may not be “the hugging type” or may not want to engage in these behaviors with their child, that’s okay - parents can learn different ways to incorporate this love language into the parent-child relationship in a way that feels comfortable and safe.

It is also vital for parents to engage in physical touch with their children no matter the gender. In some cases, it is not uncommon for parents to incorporate more aspects of physical touch in the relationship with daughters than with sons. However, both sons and daughters need physical touch equally in the relationship between parent and child to help foster a child’s self-esteem.

As school-aged children it is important to continue a parent-child relationship that incorporates physical touch. Children at this age continue to have a strong need for touch from loved ones. At this age, children are going to school for the first time where they are going to have many new experiences. Home should therefore be a safe and secure place. If a parent engages in affection before and after school, it provides a child with the message that home is a safe place to leave from and a comforting place to come back to.

Some school-aged children may begin to push parents away at this stage, and that’s okay. It is never appropriate to force physical touch onto a child who does not want it. However, there are still ways to incorporate physical touch into the parent-child relationship. For example, maybe a child does not want a hug but is okay with a high-five. Or maybe a child does not want to hold a parents hand, but it is okay for the parent to put a hand on the child’s shoulder. Just because a parent or a child does not feel comfortable engaging in physical touch does not mean that there should be no physical contact between a parent and a child - sometimes it just takes a little compromise.

The relationship between a parent and a child may have the most changes when the child reaches adolescence. During this developmental stage, many children pull away from parents in an attempt to become independent. This is okay - in fact, this is great. Adolescents should have the space to become autonomous. However, this does not mean that a parent can be absent from a child’s life during this stage. It is important for parents to continue to find ways to have contact with their children. For example, maybe a parent and child like to play sports together, such as basketball or volleyball. Or maybe a parent and child enjoy playing an instrument or a video game together. In these instances a parent may pat a child on the back or sit next to the child on the floor. These are subtle ways for parents to stay connected during a time when children often request more distance.

Gender is also an important topic to consider when discussing the love language of physical touch. Fathers and mothers should show love and affection to both sons and daughters equally. Sometimes it is easy for a parent to show love via physical touch to a child of a certain gender. No matter the gender of either the parent or the child, a child needs love from both parents equally. Parents also need to consider the time and place to engage in physical touch with an adolescent. For example, a child may not want a hug from a parent in front of peers or in a public place. Parents should be respectful of their children and their children’s needs no matter the setting.

Once again, never force a child to engage in physical touch. If the child pulls away, that’s okay - do not pursue. Instead, honor a child's feelings whether that is with words or actions.

And remember, parents are role models to children - a child will model a parent’s behavior and will watch how a parent appropriately practices physical touch. Therefore, it is important to show love through physical touch in an appropriate and respectful manner.

Tune back soon as I continue to discuss the five love languages of children.

If reading this article has been helpful and you would like to learn more about parenting, therapy can be a great option to explore individualize questions and concerns. Whether in couples therapy or individual therapy, parents can learn tools and skills to help them connect with their child. For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment.