Author Karen Young, from Hey Sigmund, denotes that anxiety is a learned habit, as long as you give in to it, it will never subside but if you break it down and analyze it, you will see all the components that are possible to fix.

Not only do children learn from experience, but so does the amygdala. This part of the brain, that’s responsible for anxiety, can recognize a trigger as a threat and associate it with anxiety. Once the child is triggered, the anxiety typically gets worse before it gets better in an attempt to avoid the “threat”. As a parent, it is your job to help your child from recognizing school as a threat. Now I know this is easier said than done, but it is possible. The difficult part is getting the brain to learn that it can feel calm and safe without avoiding school. When children go back to school, whether that is in person or through distance learning, they are separated from the only thing they know that will keep them safe, a parent. It is important to remind them that you will be right there waiting for them at school or after their virtual lessons.

Below are some strategies Young suggested easing the level of anxiety that children and teens may experience when they go back to school:

• Try to avoid avoidance, take it off the table: As long as you do not give your child an option to avoid school, they will have to learn how to be brave and resilient faster. Their reward is seeing you after school. Practicing attending in person or online will help them to move away from avoidance behaviors and fight the anxiety.  

• Protecting them is understandable but not a permanent solution: Remember that school may also trigger anxious thoughts, feelings, maybe a sick tummy, and an increased heart rate. As a parent, it is your first instinct to protect them from ever having to ever experience these emotions again. However, protecting them also never allows them to feel the weight of these emotions, or to give them the practice necessary in managing and decreasing their anxiety. In the future, they could turn to avoidance instead of persevering through their hardships. Instead, little by little, you can re-associate their feelings of anxiety with positivity and teach them how to be brave now.

• Help them feel safe, even when they aren’t with you: First validate their feelings, that it is understandable to feel scared. Let them know that anxiety is not a weakness, it is an emotion that everyone has, so it is okay to feel. Their brain may register this as a threat but this is when you, as a parent, step in and reassure them to look at the aspects they can control. Even when you aren’t there next to their side, they can feel safe because they set their situation up for success.

• Ease the relationship between them and their teacher: In order to make their relationship stronger, ensure that your child’s teacher is putting in the time to check in on your child and getting to know them by having a conversation with their teacher. By doing so, your child will see that it is safe to have a conversation with more and more adults because they feel safe with them. All it takes is a little interest and a caring attitude to make someone feel more welcomed. Distance learning can make this a little more challenging, but many teachers have been able to create ways to connect with children appropriately.

• Remember, your tone matters: A warm, loving, empathetic tone goes a lot farther than a harsh, low monotone voice. Your child will register this tone as a threat and view it as a punishment. Instead, reinforce your child’s actions by first expressing that you still love them, but that their actions were not the greatest choice. Your child will see that you truly are trying to take an interest in their well-being.

• Let them know they will be taken care of: Going back to school and getting back into the groove of things is always difficult, no matter the age. Young recommends to “validate how hard it is, and reaffirm that you know they will be taken care of at school” by acknowledging their feelings. Remember, they don’t need to agree with you, just be willing to try.  Distance learning or Virtual learning can help this transition and interrupt the anxiety “flow” and provide more opportunities to check in and reconnect with children.

• Sometimes all you can do is go with the flow: If your child feels overwhelmed, which is easy to understand, let them take a moment to take a step back and breathe for a second, whether this is going out for a walk or getting some food into their system. Let them know that you have been there too and you see them and that you know they can get through this    (Young). This takes patience and practice, because their brain won’t catch on right away, only until they know they can return to the present in a calm state of mind based on experience. 

Their sadness, hopelessness, and anxiety is not a permanent behavior. Even though it may be hard to do so now, slightly push them out of their safe bubble from being home all summer towards brave behavior.  They may not know it now, but they can persevere and have courage to get through the hard things that school brings, you may just have to believe it for the both of you for a little until then.

For more information on how we can help your child and family cope with going back to school during the COVID-19 pandemic, please contact us. For more information on therapy, visit our website at Hilber Psychological Services. To learn how we can help you and your children with Anxiety, please contact us. HPS is available and open for Telehealth Video Visits and In-person sessions.

- Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD.

References:

Young, Karen. “How to Manage Back-to-School Anxiety – What Children and Teens Need From Us.” Hey Sigmund. https://www.heysigmund.com/how-to-manage-back-to-school-anxiety-what-children-and-teens-need-from-us/

When navigating Coronavirus as a Family, author Dara Winely, found that her discussions with her clients shifted from “talking about what brought them into therapy to how do I talk to my children about the coronavirus?” As we all have experienced, this global epidemic has brought fear and anxiety to many. In specific, to seniors, as they are the ones most at risk. While daycares and schools are closing down temporarily, families are having trouble occupying their young ones without always resorting to screen time.

Studies have discovered “that children in families with high cohesion are likely to demonstrate low anxiety symptoms compared to children in families with low cohesion (Peleg-Popko & Dar, 2001; Victor, et al., 2007).” Below, Winely suggests this weekly calendar of entertaining activities to do with the family:

Mazed Monday. 

• Work on a puzzle or make one

• Create a scavenger hunt around the house

• Create your own escape room. 

1. Agree on a theme

2. Have everybody come up with 3-5 clues

3. Place them around the house

4. Make a list of rules

5. Set a time limit

6. PLAY!

Tuesday Tunes. 

• Create a playlist together

  • Each person is responsible for adding 3-5 songs

• Have a karaoke night 

• Listen to music all-day

Wind Down Wednesday. During these times, it is okay to feel anxious and concerned about the future. It is best to just take a step back sometimes and look at what is right in front of you: your loved ones. 

• Start the day off with a morning exercise or stretch

• Meditate or sit in silence 

• Listen to soothing nature sounds, ocean waves, or piano music

Thriving Thursday. 

• Help your kids stay on task by creating a brief “to-do list” 

  • This may include chores, homework assignments, reading time, and playtime. 

  • It also helps to set some guidelines as to when these tasks should be done and what the consequences or rewards maybe if done so or not to ensure goals are met. 

  • Don’t forget to include breaks

Fancy Friday. 

• Have your child pick a fun, family activity

  • Picnics in the backyard

  • Backyard tent camping

  • Late night dance party

  • Dinner and a movie

  • Play a board game

  • Cook for the next day’s meals or dessert

Sit Down Saturday. 

• Take time to answer any questions your child may have

• Ask them if you can help them with the transition from in school to at-home learning

• Openly process new information with them

• Have family meetings to listen to everyone’s needs

• Check-in with your child

  • What is on your mind? 

  • What do you care about? 

  • What are your values? 

Soul Sunday. 

• Take time to reflect on this past week

  • Winley recommends to take 15 minutes to do so by asking yourself these few questions and sharing them as you wish:

1. What was your favorite part of your day/week?

2. What has been the most challenging?

3. What do you hope to change this week? 

• Journal

• Take some “me time”

• Write letters to loved ones, checking in on how they are doing

By taking this time to spend with the family and by reaching out to others, it may help you feel less isolated. You may even discover something new about yourself or others. For more information on how to manage family weeks with COVID-19, please visit our website at Hilber Psychological Services or Contact Us for more information.

• Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

References

Fuhs, M. W., Nesbitt, K. T., & Jackson, H. (2018). Chronic absenteeism and preschool children's executive functioning skills development. Journal of Education for Students Placed at Risk (JESPAR), 23(1-2), 39-52.

Peleg-Popko, O., & Dar, R. (2001). Marital quality, family patterns, and children's fears and social anxiety. Contemporary Family Therapy, 23(4), 465-487.

Victor, A. M., Bernat, D. H., Bernstein, G. A., & Layne, A. E. (2007). Effects of parent and family characteristics on treatment outcome of anxious children. Journal of anxiety disorders, 21(6), 835-848.

Winely, Dana. “Navigating Coronavirus as a Family.” Psychology Today. 17, March 2020. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/take-care-black-women/202003/navigating-coronavirus-family

Whether you already have an anxiety disorder or not, living in a pandemic is scary. For many, it takes an emotional and physical toll when even thinking about COVID-19, but you are not alone. The first step to persevering through any situation is identifying the emotions you are experiencing. Author Simran Sethi stated in The New York Times that there are ten ways to ease your coronavirus anxiety according to Dr. Harriet Lerner, a psychologist and author:

1. Know the facts of the situation - that “The Covid-19 pandemic has infected more than 500,000 people globally, rattling financial markets, upending local economies and resulting in thousands of deaths worldwide, with numbers expected to climb” (Sethi). However, it is also dire to manage the number of times you check the media in order to keep your stress level under wraps. If you are going to check the news, make sure it is from a reliable source such as the CDC, the World Health Organization, and your local public health authorities. Yes, this is happening in our own backyard, but we need to stay focused on what is most important, which is staying safe not just for yourself but for others.  

2. Put the pandemic in perspective - It is normal to feel overwhelmed but it is important that we do not bring ourselves down or compare ourselves to others because we feel this way. We need to realize that this pandemic is happening whether we like it or not and for who knows how long. The best way we can control it on our part is by not having any social interactions even though it is in our human nature and our own behaviors and emotions, focus on the things you can control. The Help Guide by Smith and Robinson, suggests that you can do the following tasks to help:

• Wash your hands frequently (for at least 20 seconds) with soap and water or a hand sanitizer that contains at least 60% alcohol.

• Avoid touching your face (particularly your eyes, nose, and mouth).

• Stay home as much as possible, even if you don’t feel sick.

• Avoid crowds and gatherings of 10 or more people.

• Avoid all non-essential shopping and travel.

• Keep 6 feet of distance between yourself and others when out.

• Get plenty of sleep, which helps support your immune system.

• Follow all recommendations from health authorities.

3. Identify the source(s) of your anxiety - If you can first label your emotions, then you know and understand that they are real and need to be taken care of. Plan for what you can by:

• Writing down specific concerns you have about the coronavirus and how it may affect your lifestyle. If you feel overwhelmed, it is okay to take a break.

• Making a list of all the possible solutions you can think of. There is no such thing as a perfect solution so just start writing down the first idea that comes to mind.

• Focus on concrete things you can change, rather than specific circumstances beyond your control.

• Create a plan of action once you have brainstormed all your options. When you’re done, sleep on it overnight and then change anything if you need to, but otherwise, try to refrain from coming back to it until your circumstances significantly change.

4. Refrain from shaming or blaming - When in survival mode, it is easy to blame others and forget that we are all in this together. We don’t want to fully suppress our emotions, but we can learn more about anxiety, how it works, the triggers, and the steps we can take to decrease and manage anxiety. Anxiety provides us with more information about our lives and can help motivate us to take steps to decrease or solve problems, as well as encourage us to reach out to support systems and connect with others.

5. Don’t be afraid to ask for help - When filled with fear, our judgment tends to get blurred and we are afraid to show that we need help. However, this could be the best time to ask what to do because none of us are knowledgeable enough to do this all alone without the right help. This could mean speaking to your kids’ teachers, reading the latest research from the CDC, and reaching out to your therapist.

You can help others in the process as well which will ultimately help you feel better. Even as simple as dropping off groceries or picking up medications for those you can’t  leave the house (the elderly or disabled), following guidelines for preventing the spread of the virus, or donating to food banks.

6. Don’t procrastinate about preparing for the worst - Anxiety, as Dr. Lerner states, can trigger individuals to over- or under-react, meaning some may start to compulsively wash their hands more than necessary and others may not take precautions with germs at all. Also, going to the store to obtain food and supplies that you would need for a couple weeks is preparing, however stocking up on a year’s worth of toilet paper may be too extreme.

7. Connect, connect, connect - Social distancing can be very difficult to maintain for some people, which is why it is important to stay in communication with the outside world and family/friends. Studies illustrate that teens have the hardest time social distancing and finding other ways to find happiness. Isolation can exacerbate stress for some people so it is important to stay connected even when physically isolated. The Help Guide recommends: 

• Making it a priority to reach out to friends and families even if it means scheduling a regular phone call. 

• Make face-to-face contact possible by face timing or using skype regularly

• Utilize social media to connect with friends, family, and acquaintances but also the outside world. You are a part of a pandemic just as much as anyone else and it this is a convenient reminder that you are not alone. 

• Stay mindful of how social media is making you feel. There are going to be times when having too much access to our screens can overwhelm us, so don’t hesitate to take a step back and turn off your device or remove things or people that are causing you anxiety.

• Don’t let the coronavirus be the topic of every conversation, instead, take this time to catch up with others and focus on other aspects of your life. For some people, be aware that talking about the coronavirus can bring up even more fear when it’s not even your intention in the first place.

8. Practice self-compassion - Be gentle on yourself during these difficult times. This is the best time to practice eating healthy meals, getting plenty of sleep, exercising and meditating. Anxiety and fear also have physiological processes and may go in phases so sleeping, eating, exercising and meditating can be helpful in managing these to curb the extreme phases. Dr. Lerner reminds us that “Fear isn’t fun, but it signals that we are fully human.”

9. Don’t skip the self-care - This could be as simple as getting up and washing your face in the morning to feeding yourself throughout the day, try to maintain your regular routines. Any type of activity could help as well: exercise, yoga, meditation, reading, or religious and spiritual practices. All activities help you release your anxiety, relieve stress, and manage your food

• Be kind to yourself especially if you are experiencing more depression or anxiety than usual, you are not alone.

• Maintain a routine as best as you can to make it all feel a little less out of the ordinary 

• Take time out of your day for activities you enjoy such as reading a book, playing a board game, learning a new language, working on a craft project etc.

• Get out in nature, if possible. Just a simple walk around the block may make your day feel better.

• Find ways to exercise.

• Avoid self-medicating. This not a good way to avoid depression and anxiety.

• Take up a relaxation practice such as deep breathing, meditation, and yoga.

• Connect with friends and family via face time or skype

10. Don’t let fear and anxiety become pandemics, too - In other words, don’t let fear and anxiety take over your life, take over them and keep your anxiety at a manageable rate. Dr. Lerner reports, “we should not let fear lead us into isolation or stop us from acting with clarity, compassion and courage. Terrible things happen, but it is still possible to move forward with love and hope.”

We are all living in a scary time, one that many of us have never experienced before. For more information on how to lower your stress levels, manage your anxiety and Telehealth services, please visit our website at Hilber Psychological Services.

- Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

References:

Sethi, Simran. “10 Ways to Ease Your Coronavirus Anxiety.” The New York Times. 27, March. 2020. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/18/smarter-living/coronavirus-anxiety-tips.html

Smith, Melinda. Robinson, Lawrence. “Coronavirus Anxiety: Coping with Stress, Fear, and Uncertainty.” Help Guide. March. 2020. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/coronavirus-anxiety.htm

In the article “Anxiety or Aggression? When Anxiety in Children Looks Like Anger, Tantrums, or Meltdowns,” author Karen Young denotes that children have tantrums not because they want to, but because something in their environment is making them anxious.

Kids may consider the simplest things as a threat, such as a test, a teacher coming over to talk to them, or even them being late to something and worrying about the repercussions of being late. Young notes that “for kids with anxiety, any situation that is new, unfamiliar, difficult or stressful counts as a potential threat.” With this realization of a potential threat, our amygdala, a structure of our brain that controls our emotions, goes into high alert to either fight or flight. When it senses a threat, it floods our bodies with hormones and adrenaline to make the body react faster and stronger (Young). This causes our emotions to turn on and tears to be drawn.

The buildup of this anxiety is very difficult for children to control on their own. It is then where parents should step in and ask their child if they need to talk. For most children, it is very difficult to open up right away, but through consistent connection, parents can slowly peel back the layers. The goal of talking with your child is to help them understand why they are getting anxious and how to identify the signs of anxiety in order to later stop the response.

According to the Healthline some signs of anxiety are:

• Excessive worrying

• Feeling agitated

• Restlessness

• Fatigue

• Difficulty concentrating

• Irritability

• Tense muscles

• Trouble falling or staying asleep

• Difficulty breathing

• Avoiding social situations

• Irrational fears or worries

Young states some ways that parents can help assist their children to relax their brain and understand their anxiety include the following tools.

Explain where anxiety comes from

Anxiety can come from anything, anywhere, but it is how you cope or deal with it that will determine how long this anxiety will occur. It helps to list out the events or people in your child’s life that may be causing your child stress, anxiety, or anger. From there, you and your child can break down the scenario and regulate the instances your child interacts with this person or does an activity. Anything that is causing your child to be stressed should be looked into depth because although your child may not be physically showing their anxiety, their mental health is being strained.

Breathe

Deep breaths help you relax and regain control of the present situation whether or not you are having an anxiety attack or just need to slow down. It is always okay to take a second and get yourself together. As parents, it is important to encourage your children to take a few deep breathes when they are feeling stressed. This way they can check themselves and relax for a second before they go again. Kids these days are really anxious about getting their work done on time and especially without mistakes. It is necessary to let your child know that it is okay to make mistakes: mistakes are how we learn. Practice your breathing and practice making mistakes and learning how to fix them because both are okay to do.

Have your Powerful thoughts ready

Have your powerful thoughts ready in the sense that when you think that you or your child is going to be angry or upset, have in mind what you are going to say to yourself to calm yourself down and to keep yourself motivated to keep going.

For example, Young says to say ‘It’s okay warrior dude. We’re all good here. You can relax. There’s nothing that can hurt us here.’ Then, keep practicing your strong brave thoughts until they become automatic, which they will.’

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is about stepping back and looking at yourself from an outside perspective and seeing your feelings come and go without any judgment what so ever. Do you see yourself tensing up? Do you see yourself getting short of breathe? Do you see yourself getting anxious? If so, take a moment to yourself and just breathe. Stay mindful of what is in the present rather than what will happen in the future. Young states that “mindfulness for children generally works best [if] it’s kept to about five minutes or less but let them keep going for as long as they want to.” Here are some fun ways to practice mindfulness with kids.

Name it to tame it

Acknowledge your emotions in order to figure out how to control them. Young declares that if you can see that your child is getting angry or is feeling a certain way, you should act on it:

‘I can see that you’re really angry right now.’ ‘It has really upset you that you weren’t allowed to run through the supermarket. I get that. It’s hard having to be still sometimes isn’t it.’

“Hearing the words that fit with their feelings will help to strengthen the connection between the right and left sides of their brain” (Young) along with your parent-child bond because your child knows that you understand how they are feeling and are noticing it too and want to help.

Lift them up

When kids are down on themselves for doing something wrong or throwing tantrums, lift them up and tell them it is okay not to be perfect all the time, teach them to focus on the good and what they are doing right, encourage them to be nicer to themselves. Here are some common ones that come with anxiety.

If you find that your child is getting anxious or anger easily, sit down with them and talk about what may be causing these emotions to occur. If you find the root of it, then they will more likely to find a better response because they understand why this is happening to them and they can work on changing it.

Young identifies that “as adults, it is critical to be open to the possibility that beneath an aggressive, disruptive child, is an anxious one looking for security and comfort.”

For more information on how Hilber Psychological Services can help you with understanding and assisting your children or teens with anxiety, worries, or parenting, please contact us.

- Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

References

Julson, Erica.”11 Signs and Symptoms of Anxiety Disorders.” Healthline. 10, April 2018. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/anxiety-disorder-symptoms#section6

Young, Karen. “Anxiety or Aggression? When Anxiety in Children Looks Like Anger, Tantrums, or Meltdowns.” Hey Sigmund. https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-or-aggression-children/

Young, Karen. “Mindfulness for Children: Fun, Effective Ways to Strengthen Mind, Body, Spirit.” Hey Sigmund. https://www.heysigmund.com/mindfulness-for-children-fun-effective-ways-to-strengthen-mind-body-spirit/