Parenting is about balance. A balance between discipline and connection, a balance between teaching and learning, and even a balance between autonomy and dependence. These are some of challenges parents face when connecting with their children. I have dedicated the past few blog entries to help parents learn about children’s love languages as a means to help parents have better relationships with their children. Based on the book “The Five Love Languages of Children” by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, the five love languages reveal different ways parents can connect and show love to their children based on individual needs. To learn about the previous two love languages, please refer to the following: To learn about the first love language, physical touch, please read “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 1” and “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 2.” To review the second love language, words of affirmation, please refer to “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 3,” and “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 4.”

Last week, I began to discuss the third love language, quality time. To learn more about the importance of spending quality time with your child, please read “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 5.”

Today I will continue to discuss the third love language, quality time. Below are tips and tricks to incorporate quality time into daily routines.

Tips and Tricks for quality time:

• Make eye contact - For some parents, eye contact is limited to specific moments. Some parents only make eye contact during discipline, while others only make eye contact when a child impresses a parent. It is important for a parent and child to engage in eye contact during all types of interactions, not just specific ones.

• Engage in quality conversation - For children, ask open-ended questions about their day. Ask about their friendships. Ask about school. Ask about worries, dreams, and accomplishments. Ask about everything in a non-judgemental way. As children become adolescents, it may be difficult to continue to engage in conversations, but keep asking. Learning how to communicate with a parent will extend to a child’s ability to be able to communicate in friendships and in future relationships.

• Read together - For younger children, read a story together before bedtime. Take some time to discuss what happened in the story and what the characters experienced. Talk about emotions - what was the character feeling? Why did the character feel that way? Ask the child about a time he/she felt that way. This type of quality conversation will set the child with a foundation of communication and the ability to understand his/her own emotional experiences.

• Eat meals together - For many busy families, it can be difficult to find quality time. Having a planned meal together every day, such as breakfast or dinner, can be a great way to engage with a child. If this is not possible, start with one day the family can commit to eating meals together. 

• Drive together - From running errands to dropping off a child at soccer practice, drive together. This can create space for a parent and child to engage in quality conversation without the distractions that can come from the home.

• Schedule time together and be consistent - Plan to go hiking every Sunday. Have the last Friday of every month a family game night. Eat dinner together every Wednesday night. Scheduling allows a family to prioritize quality time and ensure that it occurs.

• Prepare for quality time - As a parent, it can be difficult to come home after a long day of work and be expected to provide a child with undivided attention. In order to have the emotional capacity to give time to a child, do something for yourself first. Listen to music on the way home. Take deep breaths. Make sure that as a parent, stressors from work do not interfere with the ability to be present for the child.

• Start small and build up to big plans - If promises are made then broken, a child will distrust the process and it will not work. As parents, following-through is the key to having a positive interaction with children. If you cannot follow-through, your child will not want to participate in future interactions.

Quality time is important and consistency is the key to making it happen. As a parent, if you are not 100% dedicated to your goal or plan, a child will pick up on that, and they will be more likely to disengage. Stay positive and make quality time a priority, even if a child does not appear interested. Never force a child to participate in an activity, but the more excited you are, the more the child will pick up on those emotions and want to engage too.

Come back next time as I discuss the fourth love language, gifts.

If these blog posts have been interesting to you and you would like to receive more specific, personalized information, seeking therapy can be a great way to work on parenting skills and help you connect with your child. There are multiple forms of therapy, from individual therapy, to family therapy, to couples therapy - each with its own unique perspective toward helping you reach your personal goals. For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services. To schedule an appointment, please contact us.

The parent-child relationship is ever changing and ever growing. As children become their own individuals, it can be difficult for parents to know how to continue to connect with their children. According to authors Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, there are 5 love languages that children express, as discussed in their book “The 5 Love Languages of Children.” Throughout the past few weeks, I have discussed two out of the five love languages. The first love language, physical touch, can be explored in the articles “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 1” and “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 2.” The second love language, words of affirmation, can be read about in “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 3” and “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 4.”Today, I will be discussing the third of five love languages of children, quality time.

Quality time is undivided attention that a parent gives to a child. This means that the parent and child are interacting with no disruptions and no distractions.

As infants, children naturally experience a lot of quality time with a parent. From being fed a bottle to having a diaper changed, these small interactions greatly impact the bond between parent and child. As children become older, and thus more independent, it can be difficult for parents and children to experience quality time together. Parents are often busy with work, taking care of children, and/or engaging in household tasks. Let alone parents are people too, and often have their own emotional stressors. Children can also be busy, between school, homework, spending time with friends, and after school activities, it may feel that there is no time left in the day for quality parent-child interactions.

Even if it feels like there is no extra time to spend together, quality time is important. For children, the message is simple - when adults spend time with them, they hear, “You are a priority and I enjoy spending time with you.” When children feel ignored or that parents are too busy for them, the message they receive states, “You are not as important to me as this phone call/email/task.”

Often times, children will engage in various behaviors to obtain the attention of a parent. Even if it is negative attention, it is better than no attention, and the behavior will continue. Therefore, problematic behaviors can begin to occur for a child who is desperately trying to gain the attention of a parent, even if that attention is through a parent yelling or lecturing a child.

While providing a child with quality time, it is essential for parents to engage with the child on his or her developmental level. For example, if a child is learning to crawl, a parent can sit on the floor and engage with the child. If a child is playing in the sandbox, a parent can sit with them and play in the sand. If a child is interested in baseball, play catch together. If a child is interested in dance, practice with them. There are many ways for parents to engage in quality time with a child.

If there are siblings in the home, it is important for parents to spend equal amounts of quality time with each individual child. It may be difficult to find time to spend one-on-one time with one sibling at a time, but it can be done. Look for gaps or areas in the day that could be filled with some quality time. Engage in a conversation with a child while dropping him or her off at a friend’s house. Cook breakfast or dinner together. Talk about the child’s day after school. Help the child with homework. There are a lot of moments in which a parent can spend quality time with a child - look for these moments and engage.

Tune back next week as I discuss Tips and Tricks for how to spend quality time together and for examples of what that might look like.

If you have enjoyed reading these blog posts but are having difficulty implementing these suggestions into your own life, seeking therapy can be a wonderful way to receive individualized treatment to review parenting styles, parenting stressors, or even your relationship with your own parents. From individual therapy, to couples therapy, to family therapy, there are many options for you to explore you and your family’s goals. For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment. 

For many individuals, parenting is a full-time job. It can difficult knowing how to connect with a child whose needs and wants change with each developmental stage. One of the ways parents can connect with their children is by understanding how each individual child gives and accepts love. In examining the book “The 5 Love Languages of Children” by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, I hope to take some of these core concepts and discuss how they can be incorporated in parent-child relationships. To learn about the overall concept of the love languages of children, please review my article “The Five Love Languages of Children, Part 1.” Out of the five love languages, you can read about the first one, physical touch, and the first part of the second love language, words of affirmation. Today, I will continue discussing words of affirmation and its importance in a child’s life.Last week we discussed the difference between words of affection and praise. Now, let’s examine encouragement and the power it can have.

When a parent encourages a child, in some aspects the parent is motivating the child to try. For example, a parent may say, “Great job, you can do this - yes, you got it, keep going!” to a child taking his or her first steps. In this sense, a parent is utilizing words of affirmation to help build a child’s self-esteem and sense of accomplishment.

As children get older, encouragement can also be used to help guide children as they learn to communicate with peers. For example, a parent may state, “Ben, I noticed how your shared your toy train with your brother. What a wonderful way to spend time together.” In this aspect, the parent is connecting with Ben providing him with words of affirmation while praising a skill that will help Ben in future interactions. Ben will likely be encouraged to share in future situations thanks to the positive feedback provided.

For some parents, being positive and incorporating lots of encouragement may be difficult. It is important for parents to be aware of their own emotional state before interacting with a child. In this sense, tone is incredibly important. Children will often pick up on a parent’s emotional state and reflect that emotion back to the parent. For example, if a parent is angry and snaps, “Pick up your toys!,” the child will likely respond in a similar tone and shout, “No!” By using words of encouragement, a parent may instead ask “Will you please pick up your toys?” to which the child is more likely to favorably respond.

Every child is different, and therefore, it is important for a parent to make an effort to understand the child’s primary love language. Using a harsh tone or making critical comments are harmful to children in general, but they can be especially destructive to children who have words of affirmation as a primary love language. Therefore, it is important for parents and caregivers to apologize for any critical or negative remarks said to a child, and to create more positive interactions.

Join me next time as I explore the third love language of children, quality time.

If you feel that you are a parent who is struggling with your relationship with your child, or that it is difficult for you to incorporate words of affirmation into your parenting style, seeking therapy can be a great option.For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment.

Welcome back! For the past two articles, I have introduced the five ways that children express love based on the book “The Five Love Languages of Children” by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. These love languages include physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. For a general overview, please review the article “The 5 Love Languages of Children, Part 1.” In my most recent article, “The 5 Love Languages of Children, Part 2,” I reviewed the first of the five love languages for children, physical touch. Today I will be exploring the second love language for children, words of affirmation, and how parents can incorporate this language into the relationship with their children. Words are important and children hear it all. From words of encouragement, to words of love, to words of frustration, children listen. Frequent words of affirmation, love, or encouragement are important for children to hear for they provide a positive foundation to which a child may build his or her sense of self, which includes a child’s self-esteem and self-worth. When a child hears negative statements from parents a child may internalize these words which inherently casts a cloud of doubt over the child and his or her abilities. As such, children should hear and be exposed to frequent words of affirmation.

Before children can understand and interpret language, they can receive messages through multiple cues. For example, a child whose parent says “I love you” in a gentle, soothing tone while smiling at the child will create an emotional message of love and warmth, even if the child does not yet understand the construct of love. Children need these concrete concepts to learn. They cannot yet understand things that are abstract, such as love. Therefore, parents can teach children about love by how it is expressed. For example, the phrase “I love you” can be more meaningful for individuals when it is associated with affectionate feelings, demonstrated by tone and/or facial cues. As a child grows older, a parent can use words of affirmation in various ways, from stating “I love you” to saying, “You have a beautiful smile.”

I would also like to point out the difference between words of affection or love and praise. Words of love are about expressing appreciation for the child as a whole, while praise is used to refer to a child’s behavior.

Words of affirmation are an important part of expressing love in parent-child relationships. However, parents should be careful not to use praise too frequently. Parents who praise children too much run the risk of the words having little to no effect on the child. For example, a father is playing catch with his son. If the father says, “great catch” for every catch the son makes, the son will be unable to recognize when he actually does make a great catch. This can impact the son’s self-esteem and sense of worth. Furthermore, if a child grows up hearing frequent praise, this can lead to feelings of inadequacy or anxiety when the child does not receive praise for a behavior. At the end of the day, it is important for parents to praise children on wanted behaviors. In addition, a parent should believe the praise, not just say “great catch!” because he or she feels like it needs to be said.

Tune back next time as we continue to explore the love language, Words of Affirmation. More specifically, I will discuss what Chapman and Campbell refer to as “The Power of Encouragement,” as well as how to know if a child’s main love language is words of affirmation and what he or she may say about it.

If reading this article is helpful and you are interested in learning more about parenting or connecting with your child, therapy can be a great option to explore individualized cases. There are many different types of therapy available, including individual therapy, couples therapy, and/or family therapy. For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment.