In the article “Anxiety or Aggression? When Anxiety in Children Looks Like Anger, Tantrums, or Meltdowns,” author Karen Young denotes that children have tantrums not because they want to, but because something in their environment is making them anxious.

Kids may consider the simplest things as a threat, such as a test, a teacher coming over to talk to them, or even them being late to something and worrying about the repercussions of being late. Young notes that “for kids with anxiety, any situation that is new, unfamiliar, difficult or stressful counts as a potential threat.” With this realization of a potential threat, our amygdala, a structure of our brain that controls our emotions, goes into high alert to either fight or flight. When it senses a threat, it floods our bodies with hormones and adrenaline to make the body react faster and stronger (Young). This causes our emotions to turn on and tears to be drawn.

The buildup of this anxiety is very difficult for children to control on their own. It is then where parents should step in and ask their child if they need to talk. For most children, it is very difficult to open up right away, but through consistent connection, parents can slowly peel back the layers. The goal of talking with your child is to help them understand why they are getting anxious and how to identify the signs of anxiety in order to later stop the response.

According to the Healthline some signs of anxiety are:

• Excessive worrying

• Feeling agitated

• Restlessness

• Fatigue

• Difficulty concentrating

• Irritability

• Tense muscles

• Trouble falling or staying asleep

• Difficulty breathing

• Avoiding social situations

• Irrational fears or worries

Young states some ways that parents can help assist their children to relax their brain and understand their anxiety include the following tools.

Explain where anxiety comes from

Anxiety can come from anything, anywhere, but it is how you cope or deal with it that will determine how long this anxiety will occur. It helps to list out the events or people in your child’s life that may be causing your child stress, anxiety, or anger. From there, you and your child can break down the scenario and regulate the instances your child interacts with this person or does an activity. Anything that is causing your child to be stressed should be looked into depth because although your child may not be physically showing their anxiety, their mental health is being strained.

Breathe

Deep breaths help you relax and regain control of the present situation whether or not you are having an anxiety attack or just need to slow down. It is always okay to take a second and get yourself together. As parents, it is important to encourage your children to take a few deep breathes when they are feeling stressed. This way they can check themselves and relax for a second before they go again. Kids these days are really anxious about getting their work done on time and especially without mistakes. It is necessary to let your child know that it is okay to make mistakes: mistakes are how we learn. Practice your breathing and practice making mistakes and learning how to fix them because both are okay to do.

Have your Powerful thoughts ready

Have your powerful thoughts ready in the sense that when you think that you or your child is going to be angry or upset, have in mind what you are going to say to yourself to calm yourself down and to keep yourself motivated to keep going.

For example, Young says to say ‘It’s okay warrior dude. We’re all good here. You can relax. There’s nothing that can hurt us here.’ Then, keep practicing your strong brave thoughts until they become automatic, which they will.’

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is about stepping back and looking at yourself from an outside perspective and seeing your feelings come and go without any judgment what so ever. Do you see yourself tensing up? Do you see yourself getting short of breathe? Do you see yourself getting anxious? If so, take a moment to yourself and just breathe. Stay mindful of what is in the present rather than what will happen in the future. Young states that “mindfulness for children generally works best [if] it’s kept to about five minutes or less but let them keep going for as long as they want to.” Here are some fun ways to practice mindfulness with kids.

Name it to tame it

Acknowledge your emotions in order to figure out how to control them. Young declares that if you can see that your child is getting angry or is feeling a certain way, you should act on it:

‘I can see that you’re really angry right now.’ ‘It has really upset you that you weren’t allowed to run through the supermarket. I get that. It’s hard having to be still sometimes isn’t it.’

“Hearing the words that fit with their feelings will help to strengthen the connection between the right and left sides of their brain” (Young) along with your parent-child bond because your child knows that you understand how they are feeling and are noticing it too and want to help.

Lift them up

When kids are down on themselves for doing something wrong or throwing tantrums, lift them up and tell them it is okay not to be perfect all the time, teach them to focus on the good and what they are doing right, encourage them to be nicer to themselves. Here are some common ones that come with anxiety.

If you find that your child is getting anxious or anger easily, sit down with them and talk about what may be causing these emotions to occur. If you find the root of it, then they will more likely to find a better response because they understand why this is happening to them and they can work on changing it.

Young identifies that “as adults, it is critical to be open to the possibility that beneath an aggressive, disruptive child, is an anxious one looking for security and comfort.”

For more information on how Hilber Psychological Services can help you with understanding and assisting your children or teens with anxiety, worries, or parenting, please contact us.

- Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

References

Julson, Erica.”11 Signs and Symptoms of Anxiety Disorders.” Healthline. 10, April 2018. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/anxiety-disorder-symptoms#section6

Young, Karen. “Anxiety or Aggression? When Anxiety in Children Looks Like Anger, Tantrums, or Meltdowns.” Hey Sigmund. https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-or-aggression-children/

Young, Karen. “Mindfulness for Children: Fun, Effective Ways to Strengthen Mind, Body, Spirit.” Hey Sigmund. https://www.heysigmund.com/mindfulness-for-children-fun-effective-ways-to-strengthen-mind-body-spirit/

In the article “Correction Through Connection. As it turns out, there is no other way,” author Karen Young addresses how punishment cause a strain on your parent-child relationship especially if it is consistently used. She states that “if [you’re] looking to support our children and teens towards a better way to be, the only way to do this is through connection.”

Young denotes that yelling, or any kind of shaming, will cause your child to be less inclined to do the task that is being asked or even learn from the task or the yelling. Anytime that a child perceives a threat, the body goes into a fight or flight response. This perception can be based on whether or not something is actually a threat: “it’s about the way the brain perceives what’s happening – and the brain will always perceive yelling, or any response that shames or belittles, as a threat” (Young).

Especially when shouting comes from an adult, a child is more likely to feel unsafe because they are so used to their parent acting one way and then suddenly the parent is disappointed or mad. When it comes to this, it is important to remember that your child’s brain is still developing and their frontal lobes (controls higher-order thinking) are probably not making the best decisions or judgments. It is critical to understand that your child is changing ad practicing as well: “as children grow, they will slowly take over the role of protecting themselves” (Young), but until then, allow for mistakes and change to occur as they grow.

The main goal that parents want to accomplish is seeing their child as a successful adult later on in life. This only happens if they have raised their “children and teens through to adulthood in a way that will help them discover the best versions of themselves” (Young). For this to happen, children need to know that their parents will keep them safe. If kids feel safe and secure, they are more likely to open up and communicate with their parents on what is going on in their life.  Kids are going to make mistakes, and they need to know that you, as parents, will not react and punish them. Young notes that if you “associate shame and fear so strongly with messing up” then they will be more scared to make mistakes and even less likely to talk to their parents. Through connection, your children are more likely to warm up quicker, open up, and ask questions. 

Now, this does not mean that there should be no rules or follow through, but instead guidelines and boundaries for your child to follow. Young states that parents “need to be mindful of not putting consequences in place just for the sake of feeling as though [you] are doing something,” but instead reflect on yourself and how your actions can affect your child’s learning ability. Sometimes this is in the form of extra rules or commands to feel like you are controlling the situation. Connecting with your child will invite them in and together can make better decisions and practice better behavior. You and your child need to help each other reinvent or invent a new sense of self. In the book, “Inventing Ourselves,” author Sarah-Jayne Blakemore illustrates that you, as parents, will understand your child better if you understand what is going on in their brain. 

Young declares that your children still need you in their life even though they may not always show it:

“They can only learn from us when they are feeling safe. This isn’t always easy – sometimes we will be completely over it all, but it’s when they are at their worst, that they will need us more than ever. If you can’t love them out of a bad decision, be the one to love them through it. It will be the most powerful, most soulful, most meaningful way to teach them a better way to be.”

For more information on Hilber Psychological Services can help you with connecting with children or teens, parent-child interactions and parenting, please contact us.

- Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

References

Blakemore, Sarah-Jayne. “Inventing Ourselves.” Penguin Company. 2018.  https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/1110515/inventing-ourselves/9781784161347.html

Young, Karen. “Correction Through Connection. As it turns out, there is no other way.” Hey Sigmund. https://www.heysigmund.com/correction-through-connection-as-it-turns-out-there-is-no-other-way/

In the article “How to Encourage Girls to Lift Each Other Up, Instead of Tearing Each Other Down,” written on A Mighty Girl blog, Katherine describes ways that parents can lift their children up in ways that will not only improve their self-esteem but also help them with their friendships. She denotes that girls are too often taught they have to view other girls as competition or as a threat rather than an ally. Additionally, Caroline Adams Miller, a psychology expert and the author of Getting Grit, states that "It’s not half the room raising their hands — it’s 100 percent of the women" that say they feel like they are getting more torn down by other women rather than men. In order to fix this self doubt, Katherine proposes that girls should be taught to be confident in themselves and build empowering friendships that will encourage and support one another.  

Katherine elucidates that the reason why most girls feel the need to compete against one another is the fear of missing out on opportunities. She explains that a recent survey by Plan International USA revealed that in regards to opportunities within the school’s sports and leadership arenas that “30% of teenage girls felt they had fewer opportunities.” Girls tend to infer that once they have lost one opportunity they will never get the chance to try to get it again.

This is when parents and educators should step in to ensure that girls remain confident and not let it hurt their self-esteem. As girls enters their tween years, it is important to keep a close watch on how they are feeling. In detail, watch their body language to see if they are getting down on themselves. This could be because they don’t feel good enough for themselves based on what other girls are doing and saying to them. A girl’s mental state is her own worst enemy. In the article, Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist and author of  Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges, clarifies that feeling "powerlessness can be really dangerous and make it hard to know who to trust." While on the other hand, "feeling powerful activates what we call the behavioral approach system and makes us more optimistic, generally happier, and more confident and willing to take risks." She suggests that showing girls images of confident women will inspire them to stand in strength as well.  

In order to lift your child’s spirits up, it’s important to encourage your child to join a team or a group activity, such as a club or performing arts group, that they find interesting so that they can enjoy something that they love to do with others who experience the same. If girls are paired up with other girls who have similar interests, then they will automatically feel closer to them. After this, they can begin to build a friendship based on the shared experiences.  

Another way that girls can help lift each other up is by using social media in a positive way. Furthermore, girls can use social media to hype each other up by commenting on pictures or celebrating one another's achievements. This will not only boost their self-esteem but also make them feel noticed in society. Katherine demonstrates that “this is a good way to start a positive cycle of encouragement and shift social media exchanges away from a fixation on appearance.”

With the help of parents, teens can feel noticed and confident enough to put themselves out there knowing that they will not be put down. Teens and tweens may be more likely to feel confident to take opportunities that arise or even create opportunities for themselves. For more information on how one can encourage your child, please contact us. For more information on therapy services at Hilber Psychological Services to help you tween or teen gain more confidence and self esteem, contact us.

- Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference

Kristine. “How to Encourage Girls to Lift Each Other Up, Instead of Tearing Each Other Down.”  A Mighty Girl. Web. 26. June 2019. https://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=21168

In the article “Why Girls Beat Boys at Schools and Lose to them at the Office,” author Lisa Damour describes that even though girls do better academically, they are still not getting the recognition they deserve for working so hard. Boys and girls may receive the same grades, but it is seen that girls put more effort into their work than boys because they are afraid of making a mistake. 

For example, Damour stated that between an eighth-grade girl and a ninth-grade boy in her practice who were siblings, the girl said that she was overwhelmed by school and made sure that her grades were unmistakeable by spending an hour on each assignment (Damour). She noted that she felt “safe” only if she did this routinely. On the contrary, her brother would do the same assignments and fly through them and still get the same grade as her. 

As a result, journalists Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, who wrote The Confidence Gap, “found that a shortage of competence is less likely to be an obstacle than a shortage of confidence.” In detail, it is found that girls are more self-disciplined regarding their school work than boys are. Girls may study harder and get better grades, but men still have “95 percent of the top positions in the largest public companies” (Damour).

As men experience that they can get away with exerting minimal effort in school, they develop a type of confidence that gets them to the top. On the other hand, girls may focus so much on studying for the “perfect” academic grades that they may discredit their own abilities and/or miss opportunities for building their confidence.

As girls grow up, remind them that they are intelligent and can work hard but at the same time balance out their lives with fun and rewards for doing so well and applying so much effort. We want them to build more confidence with their work, without developing more anxiety. Women may put so much pressure on themselves to do well and stress that everything needs to be perfect. The main question Damour asks is “how do we get hyper-conscientious girls (and boys, as there certainly are some with the same style) to build both confidence and competence at school?”

For more information on girls, confidence, and anxiety, please contact us. To learn how we can help you or your child who may be struggling with their confidence at school or at the office, contact us or visit our website. For more information on therapy, visit Hilber Psychological Services.

- Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

References

Damour, Lisa. (2019, Feb 7). Why Girls Beat Boys at School and Lose to Them at the Office. The New York Times. Opinion. Web. https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/07/opinion/sunday/girls-school-confidence.html.

Kay, Katty & Shipman, Claire. (2014, May). The Confidence Gap. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/05/the-confidence-gap/359815/.