Author Karen Young, from Hey Sigmund, denotes that anxiety is a learned habit, as long as you give in to it, it will never subside but if you break it down and analyze it, you will see all the components that are possible to fix.

Not only do children learn from experience, but so does the amygdala. This part of the brain, that’s responsible for anxiety, can recognize a trigger as a threat and associate it with anxiety. Once the child is triggered, the anxiety typically gets worse before it gets better in an attempt to avoid the “threat”. As a parent, it is your job to help your child from recognizing school as a threat. Now I know this is easier said than done, but it is possible. The difficult part is getting the brain to learn that it can feel calm and safe without avoiding school. When children go back to school, whether that is in person or through distance learning, they are separated from the only thing they know that will keep them safe, a parent. It is important to remind them that you will be right there waiting for them at school or after their virtual lessons.

Below are some strategies Young suggested easing the level of anxiety that children and teens may experience when they go back to school:

• Try to avoid avoidance, take it off the table: As long as you do not give your child an option to avoid school, they will have to learn how to be brave and resilient faster. Their reward is seeing you after school. Practicing attending in person or online will help them to move away from avoidance behaviors and fight the anxiety.  

• Protecting them is understandable but not a permanent solution: Remember that school may also trigger anxious thoughts, feelings, maybe a sick tummy, and an increased heart rate. As a parent, it is your first instinct to protect them from ever having to ever experience these emotions again. However, protecting them also never allows them to feel the weight of these emotions, or to give them the practice necessary in managing and decreasing their anxiety. In the future, they could turn to avoidance instead of persevering through their hardships. Instead, little by little, you can re-associate their feelings of anxiety with positivity and teach them how to be brave now.

• Help them feel safe, even when they aren’t with you: First validate their feelings, that it is understandable to feel scared. Let them know that anxiety is not a weakness, it is an emotion that everyone has, so it is okay to feel. Their brain may register this as a threat but this is when you, as a parent, step in and reassure them to look at the aspects they can control. Even when you aren’t there next to their side, they can feel safe because they set their situation up for success.

• Ease the relationship between them and their teacher: In order to make their relationship stronger, ensure that your child’s teacher is putting in the time to check in on your child and getting to know them by having a conversation with their teacher. By doing so, your child will see that it is safe to have a conversation with more and more adults because they feel safe with them. All it takes is a little interest and a caring attitude to make someone feel more welcomed. Distance learning can make this a little more challenging, but many teachers have been able to create ways to connect with children appropriately.

• Remember, your tone matters: A warm, loving, empathetic tone goes a lot farther than a harsh, low monotone voice. Your child will register this tone as a threat and view it as a punishment. Instead, reinforce your child’s actions by first expressing that you still love them, but that their actions were not the greatest choice. Your child will see that you truly are trying to take an interest in their well-being.

• Let them know they will be taken care of: Going back to school and getting back into the groove of things is always difficult, no matter the age. Young recommends to “validate how hard it is, and reaffirm that you know they will be taken care of at school” by acknowledging their feelings. Remember, they don’t need to agree with you, just be willing to try.  Distance learning or Virtual learning can help this transition and interrupt the anxiety “flow” and provide more opportunities to check in and reconnect with children.

• Sometimes all you can do is go with the flow: If your child feels overwhelmed, which is easy to understand, let them take a moment to take a step back and breathe for a second, whether this is going out for a walk or getting some food into their system. Let them know that you have been there too and you see them and that you know they can get through this    (Young). This takes patience and practice, because their brain won’t catch on right away, only until they know they can return to the present in a calm state of mind based on experience. 

Their sadness, hopelessness, and anxiety is not a permanent behavior. Even though it may be hard to do so now, slightly push them out of their safe bubble from being home all summer towards brave behavior.  They may not know it now, but they can persevere and have courage to get through the hard things that school brings, you may just have to believe it for the both of you for a little until then.

For more information on how we can help your child and family cope with going back to school during the COVID-19 pandemic, please contact us. For more information on therapy, visit our website at Hilber Psychological Services. To learn how we can help you and your children with Anxiety, please contact us. HPS is available and open for Telehealth Video Visits and In-person sessions.

- Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD.

References:

Young, Karen. “How to Manage Back-to-School Anxiety – What Children and Teens Need From Us.” Hey Sigmund. https://www.heysigmund.com/how-to-manage-back-to-school-anxiety-what-children-and-teens-need-from-us/

Singe Whitson, a child and adolescent therapist, spoke about the importance of identifying rude and mean behavior compared to bullying behaviors. It can be easy to categorize bad behavior as bullying, but it is important to not overgeneralize this term. Although a therapist never wants to minimize a client's situation, we all must learn the difference between these terms in order to not simplify the term "bullying". In reality, bullying is a very serious issue.

Whitson defines rude as, “inadvertently saying or doing something that hurts someone else". These may be seen as social errors such as, burping in someone's face, cutting in line, or kicking a ball at someone. The problem with this is that rude situations are often spontaneous. A child does not mean to burp in someone's face, but without meaning to do so, they are hurting someone else. 

Being mean involves “purposefully saying or doing something to hurt someone once (or maybe twice).” Whitson explains,  “mean behavior very much aims to hurt or depreciate someone….Very often, mean behavior in kids is motivated by angry feelings and/or the misguided goal of propping themselves up in comparison to the person they are putting down.” Although both mean and rude behavior needs to be corrected, it is important to understand how they are different from bullying. 

Bullying is “intentionally aggressive behavior, repeated over time, that involves an imbalance of power….Kids who bully say or do something intentionally hurtful to others and they keep doing it, with no sense of regret or remorse -- even when targets of bullying show or express their hurt or tell the aggressors to stop.” There are many different forms of bullying including, physical, verbal, relational, and cyberbullying. The reason bullying is worse than mean or rude behavior is because of the repeated actions that leave the person being bullied feeling helpless. 

Although bullying has become a topic of greater interest, it can never be talked about enough. Bullying has many long lasting effects on children and adolescents. It is important for parents to be aware of the signs that your child is bullying someone, or being bullied. Preventing bullying will make a difference. 

 Contact us for more information on individuals who are suffering from bullying, people who may have lasting effects such as anxiety or depression, or for help with children who are struggling.

~Written by Allison Parker and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference: “A Mighty Girl.” Www.amightygirl.com, 16 Apr. 2018, www.amightygirl.com/?https=true.

Of course you love your children, but aren't they just so good at pushing your buttons? It's easy to get frustrated when your children are demanding impossible requests or continue to do the one thing you asked them not to over and over. Thoughts may cross your mind such as, "I brought you into this world, I can take you out," (although you would never say that aloud). Your first reaction may be to raise your voice and punish your child, however this article will prepare you with 9 sayings to use when your child is having a meltdown that get the point across while still using compassion. 

It is important to reinforce connection, not separation. Vanessa Lapointe suggests "discipline without damage". Based off of science, and the way a child's brain develops, we want to build children who are hardy, not hardened. Children who are hardy have the ability to overcome to struggles of life, while children who are hardened cannot, and instead shut down using poor coping skills. Below are 9 sayings found on Lapointe's Disciple Cheat Sheet to help change the way you defuse a difficult situation with your child. 

1. Instead of: "What were you thinking?" 
Say: "I'm going to help you with this."

2. Instead of: "How many times do I have to tell you?"
Say: "I'm going to do (__) so that it will be easier for you." 

3. Instead of: "Stop it! You're embarrassing me!"
Say: "Let's go to a quieter place to get this sorted out."

4. Instead of: "If you don't stop that, no Xbox for a week!"
Say: "I can see this is tricky for you. We're going to solve this later. Let's get a drink of water first."

5. Instead of: "Go to your room."
Say: "Come here, I've got you."

6. Instead of: "No stars on the star chart for you!"
Say: "Let's figure out a better way for next time."

7.  Instead of: "Stop. That. Right. NOW!"
Say: "If you need to get your mad out- then go ahead. It's okay. I've got you."

8. Instead of: *Silent eye-roll and frustration sigh*
Say: *Kindness in our eyes and compassionate hair tousle*

9. Instead of: "You are IMPOSSIBLE!"
Say: "We will get this figured out. I can handle ALL of you. It's all good."

The key to defusing a meltdown is to use different tactics from the Disciple Cheat Sheet. When your toddler does something, such as color on the wall, instead of yelling, begin by maintaining a calm voice and saying "You know we aren't supposed to color on the wall, let's get this cleaned up." If your toddler fights back, stay calm and move to another tactic, "I can see this is tricky for you, we're going to solve this later. Let's get a drink of water." It may take time, but eventually your child will calm down, and that is when you can show them how to get the color off of the wall. Your child still learns their actions have consequences, but you were able to get your point across without raising your voice. 

Children's brains have not developed impulse control, therefore no amount of yelling will change the brain's wiring. The phrases above work best for young children, but you can use the same idea of compassion to get your point across with older children and adults. When using these phrases, it is important to remain confident, all-knowing, and in charge, in order to avoid helicoptering your child. Although it may take time for the parent to refer to these phrases before getting frustrated, remember that "It's okay. I've got you," may be exactly what your child needs to hear. 

If you have questions about using compassion and the good affects it can have on you and your child or would like to schedule an appointment, please contact us. For more information on therapy, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services. 

~Written by Allison Parker and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference: Porter, Evan. “9 Things Parents Can Say to Defuse a Meltdown with Compassion.”Upworthy, Cloud Tiger Media Inc., 21 July 2017.

Emotions of children on the autism spectrum are often hard to comprehend. It is important to help children not only identify an emotion, but also connect that emotion to a specific event. According to Alice Kassotaki, speech language pathologist MSc, BSc, there are four steps to identifying emotions.

• -Step 1: Definition of the child’s emotion: “Nick, you look scared”.
• -Step 2: Connection of the emotion while it is being expressed: “Maybe you are scared because this is a new game”.  
• -Step 3: Confirmation that it is normal to have such an emotion: “It makes sense to be scared when you try something new for the first time”.
• -Step 4: Reassurance: “Let me help you. It will be easier and less scary if we do it together”.  

There are many simple games that can be played to help children identify emotions. Mirroring emotions and having children guess how you are feeling is a great way to have them practice recognizing emotions. One a child has accomplished this step, they will later learn how other people think, and then eventually be able to connect how their feeling in regard to what they are doing.

Children on the autism spectrum may have difficulties displaying empathy. However, during the transition period from early childhood to preschool age, children are able to gain some skills. For example:

• verbal and nom-verbal characterization of the emotional expressions
• use of emotional language to describe personal emotional experiences and to clarify others’ emotional experiences
• development of knowledge about the rules of emotional expression and how various emotions can occur at the same time
• gradual understanding of social emotions such as guilt

It is an important first step to understand one’s own emotions. Once this is achieved, identifying, understanding, and reacting to others’ emotions is crucial to building strong social skills. Misunderstanding social ques, such as non-verbal signs, can lead to miscommunication. A child may unknowingly misbehave because of the lack of understanding. This can often be avoided by teaching children specific emotions and reactions in the clearest way possible.

At a young age, 4 to 6, most children are able to understand the main emotions: joy, sadness, anger, and fear (think of the Disney movie, Inside Out). More complex emotions, such as pride, guilt, and shame, must be learned through the main emotions. Here are 7 ways to help children understand the complex emotions:

1.     Attention approach: some children must be taught to pay attention to social information. When you notice a child feeling a certain emotion, such as anger, state their emotion and why they are feeling that way while continuing to show nonverbal signals, such as crossed arms and stern voice.

2.     Naming the emotions: As a child begins to pay attention to social information, teach them the names of the emotions, starting with the main emotions. Using pictures of familiar faces with obvious emotions can help the child relate the name to the understanding of the emotion.

3.     Designation emotions: Once a child is able to look at a frown and identify that that person is sad, teach them how to designate each emotion. Ask questions such as “How does he feel?” to be able to designate different emotions

4.     Actions based on emotions: Now that the child is able to understand and designate each emotion, help them react based on emotions. Rather than looking at pictures, show them real life examples of emotion.

5.     Role-playing: Give the child different scenarios of receiving ice cream and feeling happy or losing a toy and feeling sad, allowing them to role-play and further identification and expression of emotions.

6.     Modeling (filming): When watching a movie or television show, point out characters’ emotions that the child will be able to relate to.

7.     Games and books: Playing board games and reading books are also great ways to help the child learn about others’ emotions in different situations. This is a way to turn learning into an interactive activity.

While this information is geared towards individuals on the autism spectrum, this same information about identifying and understanding emotions can be used to all children. 

 Contact us for more information on children on the autism spectrum, learning and expressing emotions, or for help with children who are struggling.

~Written by Allison Parker and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference: Kassotaki, Alice. (2017). “Emotions of Children on the Autism Spectrum.” Upbility.