Last week in “Parenting 101: Positive Reinforcement, Part 1,” I discussed the foundation of positive reinforcement and how to begin incorporating it into a child’s daily routine. This week, I will discuss specifically how to create a reward system and an example of what that might look like. It is not uncommon for parents, and even teachers, to create a positive reward system in the home that encourages and reinforces good behavior. The goal of a reward system is to increase a child’s positive behaviors while simultaneously decreasing a child’s negative behaviors. Let’s take a closer look at an example of a reward system and how to incorporate this system into a family’s daily routine.

Making a reward system can be easy and simple. The idea is to create a clear picture of desired behaviors with instant rewards for that behavior. The reward must be something the child wants. One example is implementing a chore chart. A parent merely needs to create a chart with chores listed for the child to complete. Every time a child completes a chore, a sticker will be added to the chart. As a parent, you can determine how many stickers a child would need before the child obtains a reward. It can be as simple as 5 stars equals 10 minutes on the ipad to 50 stars equals a trip to the movie theater. It is important to choose rewards that appeal to the child to encourage the child to work toward a desired reward. A chore chart is one example of what a reward system might look like. For more examples on positive reinforcement and rewards check out Dr. Hilber’s blog “Catching the ‘Good.’”

Just remember, it is important that when you first start out implementing a reward system that the child will be able to succeed quickly. If you make the reward system too challenging, children may feel that the rewards are unobtainable and the system will not stick. Once the child begins to earn rewards on a weekly basis, you can discuss adding more challenging items.

While having a reward system, such a reward chart, is one way to implement positive reinforcement in your child’s life, it is not the only way. I want to encourage parents to point out the positive moments in a child’s life. For younger children, this may be as simple as stating, “Wonderful job stacking those blocks - I’m so happy to see you put the blue block on top of the green block.” For older children, especially adolescents, acknowledging the good may look like complimenting a child for doing a specific chore (especially when not asked to do so) to thanking a child for being kind to a sibling. However you want to build positive interactions with your child, remember that it should be things that you truly appreciate. Do not try and force positive interactions - find something, even if it is small, that you value about your child.

Focusing on the positive aspects of a child allows the child to grow his or her sense of self. Often times, when children hear nothing but negative statements and frequently have consequences, children internalize those statements. As a result, as children get older, they may be at a higher risk for depression or anxiety-related disorders. If you feel your child could use extra support, therapy could be a wonderful option to build a child’s sense of self. As a parent or caretaker, if you feel stressed and overworked, therapy may be a good option to work on yourself. If any of those options sound like something you would be interested in, please contact us at Hilber Psychological Services to set up an appointment today. If you have any general questions, you can visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services to address them.

Parenting can be challenging, overwhelming, and exhausting. If you are a parent who feels that there are more bad days than good days with your child, you are not alone. Many parents struggle trying to find the balance of parenting, which is not easy. Previous blog entries "Parenting 101: Discipline, Part 1 and Parenting 101: Discipline, Part 2" explored the part of parenting about controlling behavior and setting boundaries. In this article, we will discuss focusing on the positive aspects of your child and how that can decrease unwanted behaviors at home. Let’s start with the basics. What is positive reinforcement? How does it work? Positive reinforcement is a behavioral modification tool that looks to highlight positive aspects in children. Children can make two choices: a poor choice, such as pushing a sibling, or a good choice, such as sharing with a sibling. When a child makes a poor choice, there is a consequence that is associated with that behavior, such as a time-out. Most parents understand this concept all too well. However, what some parents tend to forget is to highlight positive choices children make. Positive reinforcement is when a parent acknowledges and praises a child for good behavior. When positive reinforcement is used, the child is more likely to engage in that positive behavior again in the future. As such, the goal of positive reinforcement is to increase your child’s positive behaviors while decreasing your child’s unwanted behaviors.

What does positive reinforcement look like? It can be a statement, a gesture, or a physical reward. When engaging in positive reinforcement with your child, it is important to make a clear and explicit statement to the child that links the praise with the behavior. This allows the child to connect the specific behavior with the positive reinforcement.

Below are some examples of what positive reinforcement may look like with a child.

• Statement:
  • Sam: “Here Tommy, you can have a turn playing with the race car now.”
  • Parent: “Wow, Sam, thank you so much for sharing with Tommy. That was so kind of you.”

• Gesture:
  • Sam: “Here Tommy, you can have a turn playing with the race car now.”
  • Parent: “Thank you for sharing your race car with Tommy.” Parent makes this statement as the parent hugs the child.

• Physical reward:
  • Sam: “Here Tommy, you can have a turn playing with the race car now.”
  • Parent: “Wow, Sam, thank you so much for sharing with Tommy. That was so kind of you. As a reward for being so kind, you can play on the ipad for 10 minutes today.”

Adding positive reinforcement to your parenting style is easy and can decrease unwanted behaviors. Today we discussed a few simple ways to add some positivity to the relationship you have with your child. Next week, I will be discussing ways to implement a more specific reward system into the home.

For more ideas on positive behaviors, check out Dr. Hilber’s blog "Catching the 'Good'" as she explores tips for creating a positive home environment.

While implementing a new parenting style, there may still be some setbacks. Parenting can be difficult, as parents have their own stressors to deal with. If you are a parent and feel that you could use some extra support, therapy can be a great way to give yourself the care you may need. Feel free to Contact Us at Hilber Psychological Services to set up an appointment today. If you have any general questions, you can visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services to address them.

Last week in the article "Parenting 101: Discipline Part 1," we discussed the foundation for parents to create an effective discipline plan. Today, we will discuss the implementation plan of a parenting technique known as “1-2-3 Magic" based on the work of psychologist Thomas W Phelan. It is intended for the parenting of children ages 2-12 years old. This method is best used for “stop” behaviors, such as tantrums, arguing, yelling, whining, and/or teasing. 1-2-3 is based on a counting system used to stop behaviors. It should be done as the following:

• 1 is the first warning,
• 2 is the second warning,
• and 3 is the consequence.

It is important for parents to wait approximately 5 seconds between counting. This allows the opportunity for the child to correct his or her behavior.

Choosing Consequences: Remember to acknowledge your child’s age and developmental level when applying 1-2-3 Magic. For example, older children may have the choice between consequences, such as having a time-out or losing a privilege. If the child does not pick one, the parent may choose for the child. Consequences must be clear, concise, and specific. Listed below are some examples of possible consequences and tips for implementing them.

Time-outs:

• The time-out should be approximately 1 minute for every year of the child’s age. For example, a 5 year old should have a 5 minute time-out, while a 3 year old should have a 3 minute time-out.
• Younger children should be escorted to time-out without showing emotion or speaking
• Technology such as smartphones, television, video games, etc. should not be accessible while the child is in time-out
• The location of the time-out should be in a different room than where the parent will be (remember, children look for emotional reactivity in their parents, so by being separated children are not granted that power)
• If the child wrecks or destroys the room during a time-out, it is important as a parent not to react. Simply let the child live in that space. After a few peaceful days, the parent may go and clean the room if necessary.
• If the child is 4 years old or older, the time-out begins after the child’s temper tantrum is over.

Loss of privilege:

• When choosing the loss of a privilege, it is important for the child to lose something meaningful. It will have no effect, for example, if a parent takes away a toy the child no longer plays with.
• Some examples may include: Loss of going to a friend’s house, or the loss of time on electronics, such as the television, iPad, or video game consoles

In situations in which a child continues to have a temper tantrum and/or refuses to calm down, parents may “reverse” the timeout by simply walking out of the room.

For children who tend to try and test their parents when first starting 1-2-3 Magic, most will become compliant within 7-10 days. As a reminder, it is important for parents not to express too much emotion and not to talk too much during discipline.

Over time, the family will adapt to this new system. Parents may want to consider that when things go well in the family, they may “slip off” the wagon of parenting. It’s vital to stay consistent in parenting, even during long spans of time when things are going well.

One final tip to remember is that discipline is less about trying to “punish” a child or make the child feel bad, and more about teaching the child the difference between good behavior and bad behavior. As parents, it is important to prepare your child to be a functional adult in the real world where there are real consequences based on the choices being made.

There may be times when, as a parent, you could use extra support. If you feel that you would like to begin therapy to further explore parenting options or caregiver stress, please contact us at Hilber Psychological Services to set up an appointment. If you have any general questions about therapy, you can visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services.

Parenting can already be difficult, and it does not help that children always seem to know just how to push their parents’ buttons. According to psychologist Dr. Thomas W. Phelan there are three roles of a parent: 1.) Control Obnoxious Behavior, 2.) Encourage Positive Behavior, and 3.) Build relationships with your child. Today, we will discuss how to effectively discipline based on Dr. Phelan's research to tackle those problematic behaviors. In discipline, among the biggest mistakes parents make are talking too much and expressing too much emotion. Often times, a child can easily pick up on a parent’s frustration, giving the child power and control in the situation. The more a parent reacts to a child’s misbehavior, the more likely the child will continue to engage in the negative behavior. Furthermore, when a parent is feeling frustrated, the parent is likely to talk more. Some parents have the misconception that children are like little adults who can be rational. Parents who believe in this are more likely to try to use words and logic when dealing with young children. However, often times children know that their behavior is wrong, and therefore they do not need reasons and speeches on their behavior. Trying to lecture to a child can be unproductive. As such, it is crucial for parents to stick to a “No Talking and No Emotion” rule. When disciplining a child, parents need to be calm and consistent.

One of the first things parents must discuss before implementing a discipline plan is to agree on what the rewards and consequences might look like. For discipline to be effective, it is important for children to know the consequences ahead of time. Therefore, having a short conversation with your child about new rules can be beneficial. If children are older, they can be a part of the discussion regarding what behaviors may warrant a consequence.

As a parent, you may want to incorporate role playing various scenarios into your initial discipline conversation. This allows the child the opportunity to be a part of the process, and provides examples of rewards and consequences in a way children may better understand. Incorporating an art project may also be helpful in this discussion. One idea may be to have the child create a “Rules” list to hang up on the wall as a reminder for unacceptable behaviors in the home.

Parents may also discuss consequences with the child before a specific event. For example, if the parent does not have to count past a “2” (a parental technique discussed next week) for misbehavior while grocery shopping, the child may be rewarded with ice cream.

Parents should recognize that children may respond to new parenting changes in two ways. 1.) the child immediately cooperates, or 2.) the child begins to test the parent. Children who test their parents gain perceived control by providing parents with an ultimatum: Give me what I desire and my bad behavior will stop immediately. Children will test parents via threats, tempers, badgering, buttering-up parents, and physical tactics. It’s important for parents to keep cool - children may continue to jump from tactic to tactic, but be strong and be consistent!

Tune back to this blog next week as I discuss the specific parenting technique “1-2-3 Magic” based on the research of Thomas W. Phelan, PhD. And don’t forget, as a parent you are not alone! If you feel that you would like to begin therapy to discuss parenting or personal stressors, please contact us to set up an appointment. If you have any general questions about therapy, you can visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services.