For the past few weeks, I have discussed the foundation for a parent to be able to connect with his or her child during discipline. In the articles “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation, Part 1” and “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation, Part 2,” I defined the terms “response flexibility” and “mindful parenting” and provided examples of what that might look like in a given situation. Today, I will begin to discuss the three principles of No Drama Discipline based on the research and book of the same name written by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. The three principles are: 1. Turning Down the Shark Music, 2. Chasing the Why, and 3. Think About the How.

Let’s begin by diving into how to turn down the shark music.

Imagine walking along the beach. The sand grazes your bare feet as you soak in the sand's warmth. A small wave gently rolls in, covering your feet in cool water. A slight breeze cools the warm day. You can smell the salt of the ocean. You feel a sense of peace, of safety, as you continue your walk down the beach.

Now, imagine that same scenario - once again, you are walking along the beach. Suddenly, the soft sounds of the ocean disappear. You hear a song play, a familiar song, but you cannot quite recognize it. Suddenly you notice it starts to get louder and louder. It's the theme song from the movie "Jaws." Panic arises, as your heart begins to beat faster. Suddenly, this once beautiful scene has a whole new meaning, based solely on the sound in your head.

While parenting, it is not uncommon to constantly have the theme song from “Jaws” in the back of one's head. Instead of feeling calm and relaxed, parenting can create anxiety and fear. Whether stemming from worry or uncertainty, fear-based parenting focuses on the reactive self. As a result, a parent is more likely to engage in yelling or making assumptions about the child rather then seeing the situation from a blank slate. This often prevents a parent from engaging with this individual child in this individual situation.

Let’s look at an example of what fear-based parenting might look like.

A parent has two children: Jessica and Daniel. Daniel is 15 years old, an honors student, and wants to go to college to become a doctor. Jessica is 17 years old, is unsure of what she wants to do after graduation, and is barely passing her classes. When the siblings’ parent checks their grades at the end of the first quarter, the parent is shocked to see that Daniel has mostly B’s and a D in chemistry. With the shark music blaring in this parent’s ear, the parent goes to Daniel, and yells at him for being so irresponsible. The parent then grounds Daniel for two weeks and leaves the room before Daniel can say anything. Meanwhile, Jessica has four D’s and a C - the parent does not say anything to her.

In the above situation, what was the parent thinking while reading the report card? How did those thoughts affect the parent’s reaction? What were the parents assumptions in this moment? What were the parents fears? Worries? Expectations? How might this same situation change had the parent been more relaxed?

If the above scenario sounds familiar to you, don't worry - you are not alone. Parenting can be challenging, especially since parents are people too with their own stressors. Be sure to tune back soon as I discuss how a parent can go from fear-based parenting to mindful-parenting, and what that might look like.

Furthermore, if you feel that you could use extra support to manage your own stressors, therapy can be a great option. At Hilber Psychological Services we offer individual therapy, couples therapy, and family therapy. For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment.

In the previous article “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation, Part 1”, I began to discuss how a parent can connect with his or her child based on the principles of Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson in their book “No Drama Discipline.” This parenting technique looks to use discipline as an opportunity to teach a child rather than to punish a child. In the last article, the terms “mindful parenting” and “response flexibility” were defined along with an example of what that might look like in a family situation. This week I will continue to reference our scenario of the two parents and their children, Kevin and Cindy, as discussed in the last article. As a recap, here was the family scenario: Both parents were cooking dinner in the kitchen when suddenly Cindy began to cry in the family room. With a past history of Kevin being aggressive with Cindy, the parents were confronted with a parenting dilemma: Do the parents assume Kevin hurt Cindy, which is why she is crying? Or can the parents remove previous assumptions about their children and enter the room with a blank slate?

Walking into any situation regarding a child can be challenging to a parent. The concept of “No-Drama Discipline” looks to take a scenario, such as our family example, and change how the family responds to a given event. One of the first steps parents need to take in order to change the relationship between parent and child is to stop making assumptions about the child. A parent can become flooded with emotions too, just like his or her child, which then becomes a reflection of a parent’s response to his or her child. If a parent is making discipline decisions while in an emotional state him or herself, the parent is missing out on an opportunity to connect with the child. It is important before making any discipline decisions for a parent to stop and think before the parent goes into “autopilot mode” and begins to react based on the child's previous behaviors.

We saw this in the first example of the family from the previous article - The parents both stormed into the family room yelling at Kevin for hurting his sister. Kevin was upset his parents accused him of something he didn’t do, both parents were elevated, and Cindy continued to cry. It may be that sometimes, when a parent makes an assumption about a child, that assumption is true. For instance, Kevin may have hit Cindy after all, just like his parents initially thought. However, a parent has to ask his or herself this - “If I go into a situation and base my parenting on an assumption, is that worth risking my relationship with my child? Do I want to be right?” By answering this question, a parent can begin to determine what parenting style works best for him or her.

No matter what type of parenting style a parent engages in, here are a few easy tips for a parent to help self-regulate his or her own emotional needs before addressing the needs of the child:

• Stop and think. It is important for a parent to respond from a logical standpoint, not an emotional one. If you need to do this for a few minutes or in front of the child, that’s okay. By stopping and thinking before responding to a situation, a parent is actually teaching the child how to self-regulate when feeling upset.
• Take a deep breath. Before entering a situation, take a few seconds (or minutes, if you need it) to be in a calm, relaxed state. If a parent is relaxed, he or she is less likely to be reactive to the child.
• Think of three positive attributes about the child. Sometimes it can be difficult to remember the wonderful things about a child when the child is misbehaving. By entering a situation knowing the child’s attributes, it may soften a parent’s approach to his or her child making it easier for the parent to connect with the child.
• Don’t show too much emotion. As discussed in the article “Parenting 101: Discipline, Part 1,” a parent that shows that he or she is really upset will merely motivate the child to continue engaging in negative behaviors. Instead, go into the situation with a calm attitude - and make sure that this is reflected in facial cues.

As a parent, it can be overwhelming balancing the needs of a spouse, a child, and/or running a household. If you feel that you could benefit from learning coping skills to manage stressors, therapy can be a good option. Whether it’s individual therapy, couples counseling, or therapy services for your child, we can help at Hilber Psychological Services. For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment.

Tune back soon to continue learning the tools and skills for mindful parenting based on the book "No Drama Discipline" by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.

As discussed in previous article “Parenting 101: Discipline, Part 1”, it can be difficultfor parents to find that balance between the role of a loving and nurturing parent while also having to enforce rules and regulations within the home. Dr. Thomas W. Phelan, author and creator of “1-2-3 Magic,” believes parents have three roles. 1.) Control Obnoxious Behavior, 2.) Encourage Positive Behavior, and 3.) Build Relationships with Your Child. I’ve discussed evidence-based practices for controlling obnoxious behaviors in articles “Parenting 101: Discipline, Part 1” and “Parenting 101: Discipline, Part 2.” Articles “Parenting 101: Positive Reinforcement, Part 1” and “Parenting 101: Positive Reinforcement, Part 2” discuss how a parent can encourage positive behaviors in his or her child. Today, I will discuss how to find the balance between disciplining your child while still showing that you love your child by focusing on the connection between parent and child. This is based on the research of Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson in their book "No-Drama Discipline."

You may be wondering how it is possible to maintain a loving connection while having to discipline your child. Typically, children do not like to be disciplined - it does not always feel good. But it is not impossible to discipline your child in a loving way - remember, discipline is an opportunity to teach your child and provide your child with skills necessary to navigate the real-world. It is not about making a child feel bad. Dr. Siegel and Dr. Payne Bryson use the term “response flexibility” to discuss how a parent can maintain a close connection with the child while enforcing rules. They define response flexibility as the ability to be flexible about a parent’s response to a child’s situation. This is another way of saying that it is important for a parent to be willing, or flexible, to hear his or her child’s perspective before jumping to conclusions about the child.

Jumping to these conclusions may lead a parent to discipline his or her child more harshly (due to perceived conclusions that a child is a “repeat offender” of a certain behavior) than if the parent had viewed the situation from a blank slate (having no assumptions about the child’s past behavior). When a parent takes the time to respond to his or her child for each individual situation, the parent is able to address that specific incident without any bias. This is what it means to be a “mindful parent” - the ability to take the time to reflect, or be mindful, of an entire situation before responding to the event.

You may still have questions about all these terms - “response flexibility,” “mindful parenting” - what does this actually look like? Below is an example about common assumptions a parent may make about his or her child and typical parental reactions that accompany the assumption.

Cindy and Kevin are siblings who are two years apart. During playtime in the past, it was not uncommon for Kevin to engage in aggressive play with Cindy. This may have included throwing items, stepping on Cindy’s toys, or pushing Cindy. Cindy and Kevin are playing in the family room while their parents cook dinner together in the kitchen. Suddenly, the parents hear Cindy crying. Immediately, both parents begin to say, “Kevin, stop, or you’re grounded” as they both walk into the family room. Kevin screams back at his parents, “What!? I didn’t do anything!” Cindy continues to sit on the floor and cry. One parent begins to lecture Kevin while the other parent comforts Cindy. At this point, the entire family is elevated - Cindy is crying, one parent is upset that Kevin hurt Cindy, the other parent is arguing with Kevin, and everyone is in a vulnerable emotional state.

Based on the previous discussion, in what ways could Kevin and Cindy’s parents change their behaviors? Even now as readers, do we know what truly happened that night? Was Kevin really bothering Cindy in this particular incident? Did the parents jump to conclusions about the events that took place? How could the parents handled the situation differently? Below is an alternative approach these parents could have taken in the same scenario based on the research of Dr. Siegel and Dr. Payne Bryson.

Cindy and Kevin are playing in the family room while their parents are preparing dinner in the kitchen. Suddenly, Cindy starts crying. One parent quietly walks into the family room to see what happened. The parent kneels down next to Cindy, and softly asks, “Why are you crying?” Cindy replies to her parent, stating, “I stepped on a toy and hurt my foot.”  Cindy’s parent responds as the parent hugs Cindy, “I’m so sorry that you hurt your foot. It sounds like it hurt really bad. How painful.” By approaching each situation without any assumptions, a parent has the opportunity to connect with his or her child. Unlike the above scenario, each member of the family is able to regulate his or her own emotions without upsetting another family member. One parent is still calmly cooking in the kitchen, one parent is soothing Cindy, Kevin is still playing on his own, and Cindy's need to be comforted is being addressed.

Be sure to come back next week as I continue to discuss how parents can redirect their focus and energy when it comes to mindful parenting. If you are interested in this article and would like to learn more, or if you are a parent and feel that you could use some extra support, therapy may be a great option. For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment.

Last week in “Parenting 101: Positive Reinforcement, Part 1,” I discussed the foundation of positive reinforcement and how to begin incorporating it into a child’s daily routine. This week, I will discuss specifically how to create a reward system and an example of what that might look like. It is not uncommon for parents, and even teachers, to create a positive reward system in the home that encourages and reinforces good behavior. The goal of a reward system is to increase a child’s positive behaviors while simultaneously decreasing a child’s negative behaviors. Let’s take a closer look at an example of a reward system and how to incorporate this system into a family’s daily routine.

Making a reward system can be easy and simple. The idea is to create a clear picture of desired behaviors with instant rewards for that behavior. The reward must be something the child wants. One example is implementing a chore chart. A parent merely needs to create a chart with chores listed for the child to complete. Every time a child completes a chore, a sticker will be added to the chart. As a parent, you can determine how many stickers a child would need before the child obtains a reward. It can be as simple as 5 stars equals 10 minutes on the ipad to 50 stars equals a trip to the movie theater. It is important to choose rewards that appeal to the child to encourage the child to work toward a desired reward. A chore chart is one example of what a reward system might look like. For more examples on positive reinforcement and rewards check out Dr. Hilber’s blog “Catching the ‘Good.’”

Just remember, it is important that when you first start out implementing a reward system that the child will be able to succeed quickly. If you make the reward system too challenging, children may feel that the rewards are unobtainable and the system will not stick. Once the child begins to earn rewards on a weekly basis, you can discuss adding more challenging items.

While having a reward system, such a reward chart, is one way to implement positive reinforcement in your child’s life, it is not the only way. I want to encourage parents to point out the positive moments in a child’s life. For younger children, this may be as simple as stating, “Wonderful job stacking those blocks - I’m so happy to see you put the blue block on top of the green block.” For older children, especially adolescents, acknowledging the good may look like complimenting a child for doing a specific chore (especially when not asked to do so) to thanking a child for being kind to a sibling. However you want to build positive interactions with your child, remember that it should be things that you truly appreciate. Do not try and force positive interactions - find something, even if it is small, that you value about your child.

Focusing on the positive aspects of a child allows the child to grow his or her sense of self. Often times, when children hear nothing but negative statements and frequently have consequences, children internalize those statements. As a result, as children get older, they may be at a higher risk for depression or anxiety-related disorders. If you feel your child could use extra support, therapy could be a wonderful option to build a child’s sense of self. As a parent or caretaker, if you feel stressed and overworked, therapy may be a good option to work on yourself. If any of those options sound like something you would be interested in, please contact us at Hilber Psychological Services to set up an appointment today. If you have any general questions, you can visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services to address them.