For the past few blog entries, I have been focusing on parenting based on the book “No Drama Discipline” by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. In my articles “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation, Part 1,” and “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation, Part 2,” I discuss the foundation of "No Drama Discipline" which looks for parents to teach children through consequences rather than implement discipline to make a child feel bad. My most recent entries, “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 1” and “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 2,” focus on the first principle of connection during discipline, which Dr. Siegel and Dr. Payne Bryson refer to as Turning Down the Shark Music. Today, I will discuss the second of three principles, Chasing the Why.The first principle, Turning Down the Shark Music, discussed being present with a child- that is to say, not making assumptions about a child’s current behavior, but rather, looking at each situation as a blank slate. Chasing the Why continues this idea, asking parents to take out that magnifying glass and play the role of a detective. What is one thing that detectives utilize while solving a case? Curiosity. Asking questions instead of jumping to conclusions is a great way parents can connect with children during discipline. It may help to ask questions to yourself such as, “What is my child trying to tell me?” or “What is my child’s actions trying to communicate?” while navigating this parenting process.

For example, a parent walks into the family room to see that the family’s collection of DVDs have been taken off the shelf and thrown around the room. Sitting in the middle of the pile of DVDs is a 5yo child. It would be easy, and understandable, for a parent to become frustrated and want to ask, “How could my child behave in this manner?” Instead, allow curiosity to replace frustration and chase that why. Ask the child what happened, and facilitate a conversation so you can understand from the child’s perspective what he or she was trying to do. Though you may still have to help the child clean-up the mess, this interaction provides an opportunity for a parent to connect with a child and understand the behavior rather than making the assumption that the child is a trouble-maker.

By having curiosity a parent creates a positive teaching experience with his or her child rather than lecturing or yelling at the child. A disconnect between parent and child may cause more tension and/or problems in both the relationship and the child's behaviors.

If you currently feel overwhelmed by your child’s behavior, or you could use more information about parenting and discipline, therapy can be a great place to explore these areas. For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment.

Next week I will continue to discuss Chasing the Why, including tips and tricks that may help parents better adapt to this new mindset. 

In my previous article “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 1,” I began to discuss the three principles of parenting as created by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson in their book “No Drama Discipline.” This week, I will continue to discuss the first principle, Turning Down the Shark Music. Please refer to the previous article for an introduction of the concept. Last article, we looked at a family scenario and discussed what parenting with shark music may look like based on the children’s previous behaviors. Now, let’s look at this same situation from the perspective of a mindful parent, absent of shark music clouding one’s judgment.

A parent has two children: Jessica, 17, and Daniel, 15. The parent checks the children’s grades at the end of the quarter to find both are not doing well. For Jessica, this is typical. However, for Daniel, the once straight-A student has mostly B’s and a D. The parent takes a second to stop and think about how he or she will react to each child. The parent approaches Daniel first, and states the following, “Hi Daniel. I was looking at your report card today. It sounds like this was not a good semester for you. I understand that as you get older, your grades may not be what they used to be. Unfortunately, based on our house rules, I am going to ground you for three days. How do you think we could increase that D to a C-?”

The major part of being a present, or mindful, parent is the ability to be flexible (response flexibility) and the ability to empathize and connect during discipline. In the above situation, the parent addressed the specific needs of Daniel, an individual child, without comparing him to his sister (as seen in our previous article). Furthermore, the parent looked at this specific situation with the current facts (i.e. acknowledged the D in chemistry instead of yelling at Daniel for being irresponsible) instead of clouding the situation with past expectations for Daniel (i.e. knowing he was previously a straight-A student) or the parent’s own future fears (i.e. the parent fearing Daniel will not go to college).

Being a mindful parent can be challenging, and some days will be better than others. It’s important for a parent to become aware of the shark music blaring in his or her ear before interacting with the child. Furthermore, a parent needs to remember to adjust expectations and understand that a child may need more time to develop. Part of parenting is teaching and guiding children to be successful in the adult world. Sometimes, especially when there are multiple children in the home, a parent may get stuck in assumptions around comparing siblings and/or comparing the child to the parents’ own successes or failures. It is not uncommon for a parent to project his or her own life path and/or choices unto the child. But remember - the child is an individual. It is vital to view the child with a blank state in each and every situation so the parent can act in the present and not base discipline on an emotional trigger of the past and/or worry of the future.

If you feel that you could use more information about parenting, or would like to create a space to discuss your own upbringing, therapy can be a great place to start. If you are hesitant to start therapy or have any questions about it, please contact us at Hilber Psychological Services. You can also visit our FAQ for any general questions you may have.

Tune back next time as we begin to examine the second of three principles, Chasing the Why, based on the book “No Drama Discipline” by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.

For the past few weeks, I have discussed the foundation for a parent to be able to connect with his or her child during discipline. In the articles “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation, Part 1” and “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation, Part 2,” I defined the terms “response flexibility” and “mindful parenting” and provided examples of what that might look like in a given situation. Today, I will begin to discuss the three principles of No Drama Discipline based on the research and book of the same name written by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. The three principles are: 1. Turning Down the Shark Music, 2. Chasing the Why, and 3. Think About the How.

Let’s begin by diving into how to turn down the shark music.

Imagine walking along the beach. The sand grazes your bare feet as you soak in the sand's warmth. A small wave gently rolls in, covering your feet in cool water. A slight breeze cools the warm day. You can smell the salt of the ocean. You feel a sense of peace, of safety, as you continue your walk down the beach.

Now, imagine that same scenario - once again, you are walking along the beach. Suddenly, the soft sounds of the ocean disappear. You hear a song play, a familiar song, but you cannot quite recognize it. Suddenly you notice it starts to get louder and louder. It's the theme song from the movie "Jaws." Panic arises, as your heart begins to beat faster. Suddenly, this once beautiful scene has a whole new meaning, based solely on the sound in your head.

While parenting, it is not uncommon to constantly have the theme song from “Jaws” in the back of one's head. Instead of feeling calm and relaxed, parenting can create anxiety and fear. Whether stemming from worry or uncertainty, fear-based parenting focuses on the reactive self. As a result, a parent is more likely to engage in yelling or making assumptions about the child rather then seeing the situation from a blank slate. This often prevents a parent from engaging with this individual child in this individual situation.

Let’s look at an example of what fear-based parenting might look like.

A parent has two children: Jessica and Daniel. Daniel is 15 years old, an honors student, and wants to go to college to become a doctor. Jessica is 17 years old, is unsure of what she wants to do after graduation, and is barely passing her classes. When the siblings’ parent checks their grades at the end of the first quarter, the parent is shocked to see that Daniel has mostly B’s and a D in chemistry. With the shark music blaring in this parent’s ear, the parent goes to Daniel, and yells at him for being so irresponsible. The parent then grounds Daniel for two weeks and leaves the room before Daniel can say anything. Meanwhile, Jessica has four D’s and a C - the parent does not say anything to her.

In the above situation, what was the parent thinking while reading the report card? How did those thoughts affect the parent’s reaction? What were the parents assumptions in this moment? What were the parents fears? Worries? Expectations? How might this same situation change had the parent been more relaxed?

If the above scenario sounds familiar to you, don't worry - you are not alone. Parenting can be challenging, especially since parents are people too with their own stressors. Be sure to tune back soon as I discuss how a parent can go from fear-based parenting to mindful-parenting, and what that might look like.

Furthermore, if you feel that you could use extra support to manage your own stressors, therapy can be a great option. At Hilber Psychological Services we offer individual therapy, couples therapy, and family therapy. For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment.

In the previous article “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation, Part 1”, I began to discuss how a parent can connect with his or her child based on the principles of Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson in their book “No Drama Discipline.” This parenting technique looks to use discipline as an opportunity to teach a child rather than to punish a child. In the last article, the terms “mindful parenting” and “response flexibility” were defined along with an example of what that might look like in a family situation. This week I will continue to reference our scenario of the two parents and their children, Kevin and Cindy, as discussed in the last article. As a recap, here was the family scenario: Both parents were cooking dinner in the kitchen when suddenly Cindy began to cry in the family room. With a past history of Kevin being aggressive with Cindy, the parents were confronted with a parenting dilemma: Do the parents assume Kevin hurt Cindy, which is why she is crying? Or can the parents remove previous assumptions about their children and enter the room with a blank slate?

Walking into any situation regarding a child can be challenging to a parent. The concept of “No-Drama Discipline” looks to take a scenario, such as our family example, and change how the family responds to a given event. One of the first steps parents need to take in order to change the relationship between parent and child is to stop making assumptions about the child. A parent can become flooded with emotions too, just like his or her child, which then becomes a reflection of a parent’s response to his or her child. If a parent is making discipline decisions while in an emotional state him or herself, the parent is missing out on an opportunity to connect with the child. It is important before making any discipline decisions for a parent to stop and think before the parent goes into “autopilot mode” and begins to react based on the child's previous behaviors.

We saw this in the first example of the family from the previous article - The parents both stormed into the family room yelling at Kevin for hurting his sister. Kevin was upset his parents accused him of something he didn’t do, both parents were elevated, and Cindy continued to cry. It may be that sometimes, when a parent makes an assumption about a child, that assumption is true. For instance, Kevin may have hit Cindy after all, just like his parents initially thought. However, a parent has to ask his or herself this - “If I go into a situation and base my parenting on an assumption, is that worth risking my relationship with my child? Do I want to be right?” By answering this question, a parent can begin to determine what parenting style works best for him or her.

No matter what type of parenting style a parent engages in, here are a few easy tips for a parent to help self-regulate his or her own emotional needs before addressing the needs of the child:

• Stop and think. It is important for a parent to respond from a logical standpoint, not an emotional one. If you need to do this for a few minutes or in front of the child, that’s okay. By stopping and thinking before responding to a situation, a parent is actually teaching the child how to self-regulate when feeling upset.
• Take a deep breath. Before entering a situation, take a few seconds (or minutes, if you need it) to be in a calm, relaxed state. If a parent is relaxed, he or she is less likely to be reactive to the child.
• Think of three positive attributes about the child. Sometimes it can be difficult to remember the wonderful things about a child when the child is misbehaving. By entering a situation knowing the child’s attributes, it may soften a parent’s approach to his or her child making it easier for the parent to connect with the child.
• Don’t show too much emotion. As discussed in the article “Parenting 101: Discipline, Part 1,” a parent that shows that he or she is really upset will merely motivate the child to continue engaging in negative behaviors. Instead, go into the situation with a calm attitude - and make sure that this is reflected in facial cues.

As a parent, it can be overwhelming balancing the needs of a spouse, a child, and/or running a household. If you feel that you could benefit from learning coping skills to manage stressors, therapy can be a good option. Whether it’s individual therapy, couples counseling, or therapy services for your child, we can help at Hilber Psychological Services. For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment.

Tune back soon to continue learning the tools and skills for mindful parenting based on the book "No Drama Discipline" by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.