Catcalling and other forms of harassment happen everyday. Many grown women know the feeling of walking down the street and being whistled or yelled at, or heard small inappropriate statements about their bodies. According to the article "One in Ten Girls is Catcalled Before Her 11th Birthday. Here Are 6 Things Parents Can Do About It", one in ten American girls had been catcalled before her 11th birthday. In 2017, a report showed that more than one in six girls in elementary and secondary school have dealt with gender-based harassment.

First of all, this type of harassment at such a young age can affect the way girls feel about themselves, leading them into a downhill spiral of being concerned about how they look and even judging other girls based on their looks. Other studies have proven that females who have been objectified by members of the opposite sex perform worse on math tests. Finally, the more women are talked about in appropriate ways, the blurrier the boundary line gets. Males tend to forget that their little comments can go a long way. Although it is not all boys and men who participate in catcalling and harassment, it is happening and could be happening to your daughter.

Here are six ways to help protect your daughter and fight back against this inappropriate behavior:

1. Point out pop-culture sexism 

Since catcalling is everywhere, especially in pop-culture, an easy way to bring awareness to your daughter is to talk about it when it is brought up. Whether it is on the television, on the radio, or even in person, talk to your daughter about why it is inappropriate and how serious it can be. Ask her questions about how she would feel if those comments were directed toward her or if it has ever happened to her. 

2. Get talking

Although this topic seems a little mature for elementary school, it is never too early to start talking about it. When young girls are harassed, only about 2 percent of them talk to their parents about it. Start around third or fourth grade to make your daughter comfortable and know she can talk to you if the situation occurs in the future. 

3. Let her know, its never ever her fault

It is important to emphasize that it is never her fault. She didn't "ask for it" because of her outfit choice and she wasn't "doing anything to deserve it" by walking around with a group of friends. Girls and women deserve to feel as comfortable and free as boys and men do. This type of attention is often unwanted, so make sure she knows to not feel ashamed if it does happen and that she can talk to you or any adult about it. 

4. Arm her with what to say or do

Reacting to a harasser can be confusing, especially when it seems they are "complimenting" you. Make it known that their behavior is the opposite of polite and it is not necessary to engage in conversation back to them. Sometimes it is better to ignore them and continue walking, while in other situations an assertive comment like "Please stop, that's not okay" may be appropriate. Remind her that if she feels uncomfortable in any situation, it is best to remove herself from the situation and talk to you or an adult she trusts. If this inappropriate behavior is coming from one of her classmates or other individuals she would feel comfortable talking to, encourage her to tell him he is acting inappropriately and he needs to stop. 

5.Talk to boys and young men in your life

If you have a son or other young men in your life, speak to them as well. Making them aware of the inappropriate behaviors at a young age can help prevent it from ever happening. Use pop-culture to show them what is inappropriate and explain to them how it can make others feel. Ask them why they think other men do this and give them ways to help stop it, such as standing up for girls or refusing to laugh at inappropriate jokes. Be sure that they know the phrase, "boys will be boys," is not an excuse to be inappropriate.

6. Take action

There are more ways to get involved than just talking to your daughter or son. Reach out to your community and plan meetings or assemblies to spread the word about catcalling and gender-based harassment. The more knowledgable people are, the less likely it will happen. 

Although catcalling and harassment won't end tomorrow, bringing awareness to the problem is a start. If you have questions about harassment and how it affects you or your child or would like to schedule an appointment, please contact us. For more information on therapy, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services. 

~Written by Allison Parker and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference: “One in Ten Girls Is Catcalled Before Her 11th Birthday. Here Are 6 Things Parents Can Do About It.” Girl Scouts of the USA, Girl Scouts of the USA, 2017. 

One of the best ways to continue living a balanced lifestyle is to reduce stress levels, especially during the holidays. Stress does not only ruin your holidays, but it's also bad for your health. Between shopping, baking, cleaning, and entertaining, we sometimes forget that the holidays are supposed to be a fun, relaxing time spent with family and friends. When stress reaches it's top peak, it can be hard to gather and regroup. Here are some practical tips to help you get through the holidays, stress free: 

1. Acknowledge your feelings- Just because it is holiday season, that does not mean you have to be jolly all the time. If you have lost a family member or are unable to be with loved ones this holiday, it is okay to feel sad and cry. Acknowledging how you are feeling and accepting it can make the hard times a little more bearable.

2. Reach out- If you are feeling lonely, reach out to your community. Volunteering is a great way to pass time while feeling better about yourself and broadening friendships amongst your community. 

3. Be realistic- As years go on and people grow older, it is hard to make holidays perfect and the same as last year. Although traditions are important, there is always room for change. If family members are unable to make it this year, reach out and celebrate in other was to continue the holiday festivities.  

4. Set aside differences-  Try to make the most out of the time you have to spend with people. Accept family and friends for who they are and pick a different time to talk about your problems. Remember that other people are suffering from holiday stress as well. 

5. Stick to a budget- Holidays are not about who spent the most money. Before you begin shopping,  decide on a realistic budget and stick to it. Use techniques such as homemade gifts or family gift exchanges to keep the cost low. 

6. Plan ahead- Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, and visiting friends. Plan out events first then make lists of what you need to avoid last minute scrambling. Reach out to friends and plan ahead for party prep and clean up. Through all the madness, don't forget to save time for yourself. 

7. Learn to say no- Saying yes to every event will only lead to more stress. Friends and family members will understand if you can't participate in everything. If you start to feel overwhelmed, prioritize and take something off of your list.  

8. Don't abandon healthy habits- Eating healthy, exercising, and appropriate amounts of sleeping are all still important even during the holidays. It's easy to get caught up in the sweets every now and then,  but don't forget to take care of yourself.   

9. Take a breather- Spending just 15 minutes alone without any distractions can make all the difference. Go for a walk, listen to music, or read a book are some healthy ways to distract yourself and help with self care.  

10. Seek professional help as needed-  Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling persistently sad or anxious, plagued by physical complaints, unable to sleep, irritable and hopeless, and unable to face routine chores. If these feelings last for a while, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional. 

Effects of too much stress or chronic stress can exacerbate current problems or create more problems in life. The healthier your family is, the less difficult holidays are and the more enjoyable the holidays are. The more dysfunctional your family, the more important it is to have a survival plan. Use these tips to not only get through the holidays, but to get through everyday. 

If you have questions about stress and how it can affect you or your family's health or would like to schedule an appointment, please contact us. For more information on therapy, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services. 

Written by Allison Parker and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference: Mayo Clinic Staff. “Tips for Coping with Holiday Stress.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 16 Sept. 2017.

For the past few entries, I have been discussing the five love languages of children based on the book of the same name by authors Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. In previous entries, we have reviewed and discussed the first four love languages including physical touch (part 1 and part 2), words of affirmation (part 1 and part 2), quality time (part 1 and part 2), and gifts.Today, we will be discussing the last of the five love languages of children, Acts of Service.

An act of service is a parent’s ability to help a child with a specific task. This ranges from changing a baby’s diaper, to making a toddler’s bed, to helping an elementary-aged child fix his bike, to quizzing an adolescent on an upcoming test.

During acts of service, it is not a parent’s job to please a child, but rather to do what is best for the child. This may not satisfy the child in the moment, however, these skills will serve to help the child become a mature and independent adult.

For example, a child may want to eat ice cream after every meal. A parent can provide the child with this request, however, this may not be the best option for the child’s overall health. As such, giving the child ice cream every now and then may not be the child’s ultimate wish but it will help the child in his or her future.

Parents can view acts of service as a means to helping a child until that child is ready to learn the behavior on his or her own.

A father may show an act of service by cleaning his 2 year old daughter’s room - this is developmentally appropriate. However, if that father continues to clean his daughter’s room until she is 16 years old, he may be hindering his daughter’s ability to know how to clean and take care of her own individual needs. This may become a problem when she is ready to live on her own. As such, it would be more appropriate for the father to begin to teach his daughter how to clean her room and continue to help her until she is ready to clean her room on her own.

In this scenario, the father first models the behavior, then helps his daughter learn the behavior, and finally, allows the daughter to do the behavior on her own. That’s what this love language is all about - it is to help children emerge as mature adults who are able to give love to others by helping one another.

Be sure to visit us again next week to learn tips and tricks to parent a child whose love language is acts of service.

As a parent, if you feel learning about the 5 love languages has been helpful, seeking individual therapy can be a great way to take these topics and learn about them in relation to you and your family. There are many different types of therapy outside of individual therapy, including couples therapy and family therapy, that can help you and your family create, maintain, and/or strengthen connections. For more information on therapy, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services. If you would like to schedule an appointment, please contact us.

Welcome back! For the past two articles, I have introduced the five ways that children express love based on the book “The Five Love Languages of Children” by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. These love languages include physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. For a general overview, please review the article “The 5 Love Languages of Children, Part 1.” In my most recent article, “The 5 Love Languages of Children, Part 2,” I reviewed the first of the five love languages for children, physical touch. Today I will be exploring the second love language for children, words of affirmation, and how parents can incorporate this language into the relationship with their children. Words are important and children hear it all. From words of encouragement, to words of love, to words of frustration, children listen. Frequent words of affirmation, love, or encouragement are important for children to hear for they provide a positive foundation to which a child may build his or her sense of self, which includes a child’s self-esteem and self-worth. When a child hears negative statements from parents a child may internalize these words which inherently casts a cloud of doubt over the child and his or her abilities. As such, children should hear and be exposed to frequent words of affirmation.

Before children can understand and interpret language, they can receive messages through multiple cues. For example, a child whose parent says “I love you” in a gentle, soothing tone while smiling at the child will create an emotional message of love and warmth, even if the child does not yet understand the construct of love. Children need these concrete concepts to learn. They cannot yet understand things that are abstract, such as love. Therefore, parents can teach children about love by how it is expressed. For example, the phrase “I love you” can be more meaningful for individuals when it is associated with affectionate feelings, demonstrated by tone and/or facial cues. As a child grows older, a parent can use words of affirmation in various ways, from stating “I love you” to saying, “You have a beautiful smile.”

I would also like to point out the difference between words of affection or love and praise. Words of love are about expressing appreciation for the child as a whole, while praise is used to refer to a child’s behavior.

Words of affirmation are an important part of expressing love in parent-child relationships. However, parents should be careful not to use praise too frequently. Parents who praise children too much run the risk of the words having little to no effect on the child. For example, a father is playing catch with his son. If the father says, “great catch” for every catch the son makes, the son will be unable to recognize when he actually does make a great catch. This can impact the son’s self-esteem and sense of worth. Furthermore, if a child grows up hearing frequent praise, this can lead to feelings of inadequacy or anxiety when the child does not receive praise for a behavior. At the end of the day, it is important for parents to praise children on wanted behaviors. In addition, a parent should believe the praise, not just say “great catch!” because he or she feels like it needs to be said.

Tune back next time as we continue to explore the love language, Words of Affirmation. More specifically, I will discuss what Chapman and Campbell refer to as “The Power of Encouragement,” as well as how to know if a child’s main love language is words of affirmation and what he or she may say about it.

If reading this article is helpful and you are interested in learning more about parenting or connecting with your child, therapy can be a great option to explore individualized cases. There are many different types of therapy available, including individual therapy, couples therapy, and/or family therapy. For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment.