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Posts tagged compassion
Top 7 things anxiety sufferers want those without it to know
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Sometimes suffering from anxiety can be hard to understand if you don't suffer from it yourself. People without anxiety often think "Just breathe and you'll be fine" or "What's the big deal?". But to people with anxiety, it's a really big deal. Here are the top 7 things anxiety sufferers want those without it to know. 

1. People with anxiety obsess over the little things. 
Things that seem like little things to you, are actually really big things to people who suffer with anxiety. Something as "small" as being looked at wrong or ignored can be very daunting. Situations like these stick with them throughout the day causing even more problems. So the next time something "small" happens, recognize it can be big to them. 

2. People with anxiety have every intention of going to an outing, but at last minute cancel. 
As these daunting ideas continue through out the day, our decision to go out to the movies or dinner becomes the worst idea in the world. Although people with anxiety want to go out, their thoughts often get the best of them and lead to only one decision, canceling. 

3. We are exhausted. 
The constant thinking and question can take a toll on a person who suffers from anxiety. Distracting thoughts throughout the day lead to staying up late at night constantly thinking. This leads to a lack of sleep and struggle to wake up in the morning. Waking up is a struggle for everyone, but imagine what it's like for someone with anxiety. 

4. Anxiety sufferers replay conversations in our head.
When your mind is constantly thinking and running through every possible scenario, you often start to explain a topic faster than possible. All of a sudden, what you're saying isn't making sense. This can be embarrassing for someone who suffers from anxiety. With that feeling of embarrassment, they often shut down. This doesn't mean they're in a mood, they're just struggling with that moment. 

5. Anxiety sufferers compare themselves to others. 
It's hard for someone with anxiety to understand how easy it is for people to get over things. When they see in person or on social media everything that is going on in other people's lives, they often question why it's so much harder for them. This causing even more of an issue when they begin worrying about why they're so worried all the time. 

6. Anxiety sufferers obsess over mistakes and beat ourselves up over it:
When something goes wrong, they often blame themselves. Therefore, when they make a mistake, they obsess over it. Doing things wrong and believing they're not good enough can lead to bigger problems. It's no surprise they're perfectionists. 

7. Finally: please, please don’t give up on us.
Sometimes, when a person with anxiety has no other option than to give up on themselves, they really need YOU to not give up on them. Although it can be frustrating and hard to understand, don't give up on them. 

People who suffer with anxiety are aware of how irrational they may sound. They know what they are going through and they're trying their hardest. Before giving up on them, try to understand them. 

While this information is geared towards individuals who suffer with anxiety, this same information about empathy and understanding emotions can be used to all individuals with disabilties. 

 Contact us for more information on individuals who suffer with anxiety, learning and expressing emotions, or for help with children who are struggling.

~Written by Allison Parker and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference: Mazza, Laura. “Top 7 Things Anxiety Sufferers Want Those without It to Know.”Love What Matters. 

9 Things Parents Can Say to Defuse a Meltdown With Compassion

Of course you love your children, but aren't they just so good at pushing your buttons? It's easy to get frustrated when your children are demanding impossible requests or continue to do the one thing you asked them not to over and over. Thoughts may cross your mind such as, "I brought you into this world, I can take you out," (although you would never say that aloud). Your first reaction may be to raise your voice and punish your child, however this article will prepare you with 9 sayings to use when your child is having a meltdown that get the point across while still using compassion. 

It is important to reinforce connection, not separation. Vanessa Lapointe suggests "discipline without damage". Based off of science, and the way a child's brain develops, we want to build children who are hardy, not hardened. Children who are hardy have the ability to overcome to struggles of life, while children who are hardened cannot, and instead shut down using poor coping skills. Below are 9 sayings found on Lapointe's Disciple Cheat Sheet to help change the way you defuse a difficult situation with your child. 

1. Instead of: "What were you thinking?" 
Say: "I'm going to help you with this."

2. Instead of: "How many times do I have to tell you?"
Say: "I'm going to do (__) so that it will be easier for you." 

3. Instead of: "Stop it! You're embarrassing me!"
Say: "Let's go to a quieter place to get this sorted out."

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4. Instead of: "If you don't stop that, no Xbox for a week!"
Say: "I can see this is tricky for you. We're going to solve this later. Let's get a drink of water first."

5. Instead of: "Go to your room."
Say: "Come here, I've got you."

6. Instead of: "No stars on the star chart for you!"
Say: "Let's figure out a better way for next time."

7.  Instead of: "Stop. That. Right. NOW!"
Say: "If you need to get your mad out- then go ahead. It's okay. I've got you."

8. Instead of: *Silent eye-roll and frustration sigh*
Say: *Kindness in our eyes and compassionate hair tousle*

9. Instead of: "You are IMPOSSIBLE!"
Say: "We will get this figured out. I can handle ALL of you. It's all good."

The key to defusing a meltdown is to use different tactics from the Disciple Cheat Sheet. When your toddler does something, such as color on the wall, instead of yelling, begin by maintaining a calm voice and saying "You know we aren't supposed to color on the wall, let's get this cleaned up." If your toddler fights back, stay calm and move to another tactic, "I can see this is tricky for you, we're going to solve this later. Let's get a drink of water." It may take time, but eventually your child will calm down, and that is when you can show them how to get the color off of the wall. Your child still learns their actions have consequences, but you were able to get your point across without raising your voice. 

Children's brains have not developed impulse control, therefore no amount of yelling will change the brain's wiring. The phrases above work best for young children, but you can use the same idea of compassion to get your point across with older children and adults. When using these phrases, it is important to remain confident, all-knowing, and in charge, in order to avoid helicoptering your child. Although it may take time for the parent to refer to these phrases before getting frustrated, remember that "It's okay. I've got you," may be exactly what your child needs to hear. 

If you have questions about using compassion and the good affects it can have on you and your child or would like to schedule an appointment, please contact us. For more information on therapy, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services

~Written by Allison Parker and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference: Porter, Evan. “9 Things Parents Can Say to Defuse a Meltdown with Compassion.”Upworthy, Cloud Tiger Media Inc., 21 July 2017.

6 Things Parents Can Do About Catcalling

Catcalling and other forms of harassment happen everyday. Many grown women know the feeling of walking down the street and being whistled or yelled at, or heard small inappropriate statements about their bodies. According to the article "One in Ten Girls is Catcalled Before Her 11th Birthday. Here Are 6 Things Parents Can Do About It", one in ten American girls had been catcalled before her 11th birthday. In 2017, a report showed that more than one in six girls in elementary and secondary school have dealt with gender-based harassment.

First of all, this type of harassment at such a young age can affect the way girls feel about themselves, leading them into a downhill spiral of being concerned about how they look and even judging other girls based on their looks. Other studies have proven that females who have been objectified by members of the opposite sex perform worse on math tests. Finally, the more women are talked about in appropriate ways, the blurrier the boundary line gets. Males tend to forget that their little comments can go a long way. Although it is not all boys and men who participate in catcalling and harassment, it is happening and could be happening to your daughter.

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Here are six ways to help protect your daughter and fight back against this inappropriate behavior:

1. Point out pop-culture sexism 

Since catcalling is everywhere, especially in pop-culture, an easy way to bring awareness to your daughter is to talk about it when it is brought up. Whether it is on the television, on the radio, or even in person, talk to your daughter about why it is inappropriate and how serious it can be. Ask her questions about how she would feel if those comments were directed toward her or if it has ever happened to her. 

2. Get talking

Although this topic seems a little mature for elementary school, it is never too early to start talking about it. When young girls are harassed, only about 2 percent of them talk to their parents about it. Start around third or fourth grade to make your daughter comfortable and know she can talk to you if the situation occurs in the future. 

3. Let her know, its never ever her fault

It is important to emphasize that it is never her fault. She didn't "ask for it" because of her outfit choice and she wasn't "doing anything to deserve it" by walking around with a group of friends. Girls and women deserve to feel as comfortable and free as boys and men do. This type of attention is often unwanted, so make sure she knows to not feel ashamed if it does happen and that she can talk to you or any adult about it. 

4. Arm her with what to say or do

Reacting to a harasser can be confusing, especially when it seems they are "complimenting" you. Make it known that their behavior is the opposite of polite and it is not necessary to engage in conversation back to them. Sometimes it is better to ignore them and continue walking, while in other situations an assertive comment like "Please stop, that's not okay" may be appropriate. Remind her that if she feels uncomfortable in any situation, it is best to remove herself from the situation and talk to you or an adult she trusts. If this inappropriate behavior is coming from one of her classmates or other individuals she would feel comfortable talking to, encourage her to tell him he is acting inappropriately and he needs to stop. 

5.Talk to boys and young men in your life

If you have a son or other young men in your life, speak to them as well. Making them aware of the inappropriate behaviors at a young age can help prevent it from ever happening. Use pop-culture to show them what is inappropriate and explain to them how it can make others feel. Ask them why they think other men do this and give them ways to help stop it, such as standing up for girls or refusing to laugh at inappropriate jokes. Be sure that they know the phrase, "boys will be boys," is not an excuse to be inappropriate.

6. Take action

There are more ways to get involved than just talking to your daughter or son. Reach out to your community and plan meetings or assemblies to spread the word about catcalling and gender-based harassment. The more knowledgable people are, the less likely it will happen. 

Although catcalling and harassment won't end tomorrow, bringing awareness to the problem is a start. If you have questions about harassment and how it affects you or your child or would like to schedule an appointment, please contact us. For more information on therapy, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services

~Written by Allison Parker and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference: “One in Ten Girls Is Catcalled Before Her 11th Birthday. Here Are 6 Things Parents Can Do About It.” Girl Scouts of the USA, Girl Scouts of the USA, 2017. 

Become an Includer
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Inclusion, along with diversity, inhibits bullying at the core. Inclusion is also a key to raising a compassionate, confident kids. There are only three steps to becoming an includer and fostering a family who includes others. 

  • start with yourself
  • have compassion for yourself
  • model inclusion in early childhood

To begin, inclusion starts with yourself. It is important for friends and family members to be conscious of their interactions with each other. Before reacting, take a moment to think about how you're feeling. Allow yourself to acknowledge and consider all your positive and negative feelings, rather than considering the other person's feelings first. Then choose how you want to respond. After this is done, ask your partner or friend to understand how you feel. By understanding and allowing your feelings, you will have a more compassionate response, thereby including your partner's or friend's opinions.

Children need modeling, such as hugs and "I love you's",  in order to understand compassion. This is especially important to start in early childhood due to their increase in development. By listening to your child and allowing them to have their feelings, instead of problem solving for them, they are able to gain a sense of compassion. Including your child in the process allows them to become more emotionally intelligent. Showing your child how to be compassionate and letting them grow as a person helps them to become an includer too. This can even lead to a reduction in bullying, but it all starts with you. 

Contact us for more information on inclusion, compassion, bullying, or for help with children who are struggling. 

-Written by Allison Parker and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference: Compton, J. (2017). Want compassionate confident kids? Do this. NBC News Better.