For the past few articles, I have been exploring the three connection principles to use during discipline based on the book “No Drama Discipline” by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. The three principles include Turning Down the Shark Music, Chasing the Why, and Think about the How. Today, I will explore and discuss the final principle, Think About the How. To review the first two principles, please read the articles “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 1,” “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 2,” “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 3,” and “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 4.” To review the foundation of the three principles, review the articles “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation Part 1,” and “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation Part 2.”The past two principles, Turning Down the Shark Music and Chasing the Why, refer to the internal aspects of parenting. That is, these concepts explore both a parent’s and a child’s inner thoughts throughout each discipline interaction. The final principle, Think About the How, focuses more on the tone of the conversation, that is to say, how a parent expresses him or herself to the child, and less on what a parent actually says.

Let’s look at an example.

Susan has a 7yo son, Alex. It is 7pm on a Wednesday night, and Susan has asked Alex to brush his teeth before bed. The following three interactions are different ways Susan can say the same sentence, “Go brush your teeth.”

1. With a smile on her face, a calm-looking face, and a warm tone of voice, Susan says, “Go brush your teeth.”
2. With eyebrows turned inward, a scrunched up nose, and an angry voice, Susan says quickly, “Go brush your teeth.”
3. With a frown on her face, narrow eyes, and clenched teeth, Susan says, “Go. Brush. Your. Teeth.”

How do you think these scenarios would vary based on Susan’s tone? How do you think Alex would react to each scenario? These examples demonstrate just how much the how matters when a parent communicates with his or her child.

Throughout parental-child interactions, it is important to give the child a choice rather than focus solely on the consequence.

For example, a mother, Mary, is trying to get her 7yo daughter, Veronica, to bed. Veronica enjoys story time every night, which may be a good reward, or incentive, for getting to bed on time. Veronica decides she does not want to go to bed. Mary can state her message in one of two ways:

1. “Get into bed or you won’t get to read a story tonight.”
2. “If you get into bed now, we will have time to read a story. If not, we will run out of time and we will not be able to read a story tonight.”

In the first message, Mary stated a consequence. In the second message, Mary was able to give her child a choice, allowing the child to make a decision for herself. When it comes to parenting, giving children a choice allows the parent and child the opportunity to connect while simultaneously giving the child control over his or her choices. In this manner, a parent is teaching his or her child the reward or consequence that accompanies a given choice. This, in turn, will help the child navigate the world as an adult.

The how in No Drama Discipline may be a reflection about how the child feels about him or herself as well as how the child feels about the parent. Children learn how to treat others by observing how the parent treats others and modeling those behaviors. Children tend to be more cooperative when they feel connected to a parent. Futhermore, according to authors Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, discipline becomes more effective when the how is calm, playful, and respectful.

If you would like to learn more about parenting techniques and receive individualized treatment to address specific problems in your home, therapy can be a great place to do so. Please contact us at Hilber Psychological Services to explore therapy options. If you have any general questions, please visit our FAQ. 

Be sure to come back soon to read about more topics in the field of psychology and mental health.

Last week, I began to discuss the second of three principles, Chasing the Why, in the article “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 3.” These three principles, based on the book “No Drama Discipline” by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, examine how parents can connect with their children during discipline, utilizing the moment to teach a child rather than make a child feel bad. To learn about the foundation of No Drama Discipline, please review articles “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation, Part 1,” and “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation, Part 2.” To review the first principle in No Drama Discipline, Turning Down the Shark Music, please refer to the articles “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 1” and “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 2.” A parent’s goal throughout discipline is to play the role of a detective. Chasing the Why asks parents to internally ask themselves, “what is my child trying to communicate through his or her behavior?” By remaining curious about a child’s behavior, a parent allows him or herself to look into a child’s internal state rather than the external behavior.

Let’s review an example of what discipline may look like utilizing the connection principle, Chasing the Why.

Dave is a single parent raising 12yo Alice. Alice has always been a good student and Dave hopes that Alice will follow in his footsteps to become a lawyer. One day, Dave receives a phone call from the school stating that Alice has been disruptive in class by frequently talking to classmates. Embarrassed about the call, Dave begins to become anxious. He imagines Alice's grades dropping and her future jeopardized. For Dave, his shark music regarding his own fears for his daughter’s future become louder. Instead of letting the shark music grow, Dave takes a deep breath to clear his head. He allows himself to become curious as he asks Alice questions about her behaviors rather than make assumptions about the motivation behind them. He may begin by asking Alice, “Alice, tell me about your day,” to first connect with Alice. Dave may then ask Alice specific questions about the conversation with Alice’s teacher. “Alice, I heard from your teacher today. She seems to think that you have been more talkative in class than usual. Tell me a little about that.”

By taking the time to explore the reasons behind the child’s behavior, a parent may be surprised from what the child’s motivation is rather than the parent’s own perceived motivation. In the above scenario, Alice may reply that she has been more talkative because she recently made a new friend, or that her friend had a bad day and she wanted to make her feel better. The parent will still have to help the child learn strategies to handle these situations in an appropriate manner, however, by chasing the why the parent is creating a way to connect with the child rather than dismissing the child and missing the opportunity to understand the child’s motivation for the behavior.

Tips and Tricks: It is important for parents not to directly ask, “Why did you do this?” For many children (and even adults) asking “why” can cause defensiveness in those being asked. Furthermore, depending on the age of the child, the child may not be at a developmental level where he or she could tell you the motivation for the behavior. It is not uncommon for parents to hear “I don’t know” when asking a child about an event. Try asking open-ended questions (i.e. “What did you do in school today?”) instead of closed-ended questions (i.e. “Did you get into trouble today?"). Closed-ended questions will limit the interaction between parent and child.

Chasing the why is asking parents to ask “why” in their own heads in order to create that curiosity and let that open mindset guide the conversation. In this way parents can begin to not only address the external concerns, or behaviors, but look into the child’s internal concerns, or the root cause underneath the behavior, to prevent future problematic behaviors.

If you would like more support in parenting your child, whether in couples therapy or individual therapy, please do not hesitate to contact us at Hilber Psychological Services to explore options. Therapy can be a great way for parents to discuss personal concerns that may get in the way of parenting. If you have any general questions, please visit our FAQ.

Tune back next time as we examine the third and final principle, Think About the How based on the book “No Drama Discipline” by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.

For the past few blog entries, I have been focusing on parenting based on the book “No Drama Discipline” by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. In my articles “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation, Part 1,” and “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation, Part 2,” I discuss the foundation of "No Drama Discipline" which looks for parents to teach children through consequences rather than implement discipline to make a child feel bad. My most recent entries, “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 1” and “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 2,” focus on the first principle of connection during discipline, which Dr. Siegel and Dr. Payne Bryson refer to as Turning Down the Shark Music. Today, I will discuss the second of three principles, Chasing the Why.The first principle, Turning Down the Shark Music, discussed being present with a child- that is to say, not making assumptions about a child’s current behavior, but rather, looking at each situation as a blank slate. Chasing the Why continues this idea, asking parents to take out that magnifying glass and play the role of a detective. What is one thing that detectives utilize while solving a case? Curiosity. Asking questions instead of jumping to conclusions is a great way parents can connect with children during discipline. It may help to ask questions to yourself such as, “What is my child trying to tell me?” or “What is my child’s actions trying to communicate?” while navigating this parenting process.

For example, a parent walks into the family room to see that the family’s collection of DVDs have been taken off the shelf and thrown around the room. Sitting in the middle of the pile of DVDs is a 5yo child. It would be easy, and understandable, for a parent to become frustrated and want to ask, “How could my child behave in this manner?” Instead, allow curiosity to replace frustration and chase that why. Ask the child what happened, and facilitate a conversation so you can understand from the child’s perspective what he or she was trying to do. Though you may still have to help the child clean-up the mess, this interaction provides an opportunity for a parent to connect with a child and understand the behavior rather than making the assumption that the child is a trouble-maker.

By having curiosity a parent creates a positive teaching experience with his or her child rather than lecturing or yelling at the child. A disconnect between parent and child may cause more tension and/or problems in both the relationship and the child's behaviors.

If you currently feel overwhelmed by your child’s behavior, or you could use more information about parenting and discipline, therapy can be a great place to explore these areas. For more information, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services or contact us to schedule an appointment.

Next week I will continue to discuss Chasing the Why, including tips and tricks that may help parents better adapt to this new mindset. 

In my previous article “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 1,” I began to discuss the three principles of parenting as created by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson in their book “No Drama Discipline.” This week, I will continue to discuss the first principle, Turning Down the Shark Music. Please refer to the previous article for an introduction of the concept. Last article, we looked at a family scenario and discussed what parenting with shark music may look like based on the children’s previous behaviors. Now, let’s look at this same situation from the perspective of a mindful parent, absent of shark music clouding one’s judgment.

A parent has two children: Jessica, 17, and Daniel, 15. The parent checks the children’s grades at the end of the quarter to find both are not doing well. For Jessica, this is typical. However, for Daniel, the once straight-A student has mostly B’s and a D. The parent takes a second to stop and think about how he or she will react to each child. The parent approaches Daniel first, and states the following, “Hi Daniel. I was looking at your report card today. It sounds like this was not a good semester for you. I understand that as you get older, your grades may not be what they used to be. Unfortunately, based on our house rules, I am going to ground you for three days. How do you think we could increase that D to a C-?”

The major part of being a present, or mindful, parent is the ability to be flexible (response flexibility) and the ability to empathize and connect during discipline. In the above situation, the parent addressed the specific needs of Daniel, an individual child, without comparing him to his sister (as seen in our previous article). Furthermore, the parent looked at this specific situation with the current facts (i.e. acknowledged the D in chemistry instead of yelling at Daniel for being irresponsible) instead of clouding the situation with past expectations for Daniel (i.e. knowing he was previously a straight-A student) or the parent’s own future fears (i.e. the parent fearing Daniel will not go to college).

Being a mindful parent can be challenging, and some days will be better than others. It’s important for a parent to become aware of the shark music blaring in his or her ear before interacting with the child. Furthermore, a parent needs to remember to adjust expectations and understand that a child may need more time to develop. Part of parenting is teaching and guiding children to be successful in the adult world. Sometimes, especially when there are multiple children in the home, a parent may get stuck in assumptions around comparing siblings and/or comparing the child to the parents’ own successes or failures. It is not uncommon for a parent to project his or her own life path and/or choices unto the child. But remember - the child is an individual. It is vital to view the child with a blank state in each and every situation so the parent can act in the present and not base discipline on an emotional trigger of the past and/or worry of the future.

If you feel that you could use more information about parenting, or would like to create a space to discuss your own upbringing, therapy can be a great place to start. If you are hesitant to start therapy or have any questions about it, please contact us at Hilber Psychological Services. You can also visit our FAQ for any general questions you may have.

Tune back next time as we begin to examine the second of three principles, Chasing the Why, based on the book “No Drama Discipline” by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.