In the article “How to Encourage Girls to Lift Each Other Up, Instead of Tearing Each Other Down,” written on A Mighty Girl blog, Katherine describes ways that parents can lift their children up in ways that will not only improve their self-esteem but also help them with their friendships. She denotes that girls are too often taught they have to view other girls as competition or as a threat rather than an ally. Additionally, Caroline Adams Miller, a psychology expert and the author of Getting Grit, states that "It’s not half the room raising their hands — it’s 100 percent of the women" that say they feel like they are getting more torn down by other women rather than men. In order to fix this self doubt, Katherine proposes that girls should be taught to be confident in themselves and build empowering friendships that will encourage and support one another.  

Katherine elucidates that the reason why most girls feel the need to compete against one another is the fear of missing out on opportunities. She explains that a recent survey by Plan International USA revealed that in regards to opportunities within the school’s sports and leadership arenas that “30% of teenage girls felt they had fewer opportunities.” Girls tend to infer that once they have lost one opportunity they will never get the chance to try to get it again.

This is when parents and educators should step in to ensure that girls remain confident and not let it hurt their self-esteem. As girls enters their tween years, it is important to keep a close watch on how they are feeling. In detail, watch their body language to see if they are getting down on themselves. This could be because they don’t feel good enough for themselves based on what other girls are doing and saying to them. A girl’s mental state is her own worst enemy. In the article, Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist and author of  Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges, clarifies that feeling "powerlessness can be really dangerous and make it hard to know who to trust." While on the other hand, "feeling powerful activates what we call the behavioral approach system and makes us more optimistic, generally happier, and more confident and willing to take risks." She suggests that showing girls images of confident women will inspire them to stand in strength as well.  

In order to lift your child’s spirits up, it’s important to encourage your child to join a team or a group activity, such as a club or performing arts group, that they find interesting so that they can enjoy something that they love to do with others who experience the same. If girls are paired up with other girls who have similar interests, then they will automatically feel closer to them. After this, they can begin to build a friendship based on the shared experiences.  

Another way that girls can help lift each other up is by using social media in a positive way. Furthermore, girls can use social media to hype each other up by commenting on pictures or celebrating one another's achievements. This will not only boost their self-esteem but also make them feel noticed in society. Katherine demonstrates that “this is a good way to start a positive cycle of encouragement and shift social media exchanges away from a fixation on appearance.”

With the help of parents, teens can feel noticed and confident enough to put themselves out there knowing that they will not be put down. Teens and tweens may be more likely to feel confident to take opportunities that arise or even create opportunities for themselves. For more information on how one can encourage your child, please contact us. For more information on therapy services at Hilber Psychological Services to help you tween or teen gain more confidence and self esteem, contact us.

- Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference

Kristine. “How to Encourage Girls to Lift Each Other Up, Instead of Tearing Each Other Down.”  A Mighty Girl. Web. 26. June 2019. https://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=21168

In the article “Why Girls Beat Boys at Schools and Lose to them at the Office,” author Lisa Damour describes that even though girls do better academically, they are still not getting the recognition they deserve for working so hard. Boys and girls may receive the same grades, but it is seen that girls put more effort into their work than boys because they are afraid of making a mistake. 

For example, Damour stated that between an eighth-grade girl and a ninth-grade boy in her practice who were siblings, the girl said that she was overwhelmed by school and made sure that her grades were unmistakeable by spending an hour on each assignment (Damour). She noted that she felt “safe” only if she did this routinely. On the contrary, her brother would do the same assignments and fly through them and still get the same grade as her. 

As a result, journalists Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, who wrote The Confidence Gap, “found that a shortage of competence is less likely to be an obstacle than a shortage of confidence.” In detail, it is found that girls are more self-disciplined regarding their school work than boys are. Girls may study harder and get better grades, but men still have “95 percent of the top positions in the largest public companies” (Damour).

As men experience that they can get away with exerting minimal effort in school, they develop a type of confidence that gets them to the top. On the other hand, girls may focus so much on studying for the “perfect” academic grades that they may discredit their own abilities and/or miss opportunities for building their confidence.

As girls grow up, remind them that they are intelligent and can work hard but at the same time balance out their lives with fun and rewards for doing so well and applying so much effort. We want them to build more confidence with their work, without developing more anxiety. Women may put so much pressure on themselves to do well and stress that everything needs to be perfect. The main question Damour asks is “how do we get hyper-conscientious girls (and boys, as there certainly are some with the same style) to build both confidence and competence at school?”

For more information on girls, confidence, and anxiety, please contact us. To learn how we can help you or your child who may be struggling with their confidence at school or at the office, contact us or visit our website. For more information on therapy, visit Hilber Psychological Services.

- Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

References

Damour, Lisa. (2019, Feb 7). Why Girls Beat Boys at School and Lose to Them at the Office. The New York Times. Opinion. Web. https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/07/opinion/sunday/girls-school-confidence.html.

Kay, Katty & Shipman, Claire. (2014, May). The Confidence Gap. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/05/the-confidence-gap/359815/.

In the article, “Lazy Days of Summer? For ADHD Moms, That’s Not a Thing,” author Tricia Arthur describes how her never-ending, changing weeks can take a toll on her mental health. She notes that ”changes in a routine are very difficult for a person with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD or ADD)” to juggle. Especially during the summer, one’s stress levels and self-doubt can increase because it is so hard to keep track of everything going on in not only your life but the rest of the family’s and still believe it is possible. 

Arthur’s life coach said, “that neurotypical people are a tad quicker and more intuitive than ADHD-brained people in making adjustments when changing circumstances require it.” Knowing this, it is understandable why you, who struggles with ADHD, has a harder time comprehending changing plans all the time. During this time, it is important to relax and give yourself a break and realize that everything will work out; you just have to take it step by step, day by day. 

Summer is the hardest season for most parents to get used to. From a routine every day to different plans each week, and even every day, is a lot to think about. It takes a lot of time to pan every little detail out, which can be exhausting. Although it may seem like you have the appropriate med regiment to reduce ADHD symptoms and the right amount of help and brain rest and self-care to keep a clear, open mind, it may also seem like you can snap at any moment because all these things are on your mind (Arthur). Each day something probably increases your stress level which makes you more anxious, however, it does not have to always be like that. Touching base with your therapist can also assist with these big changes to help it become a little smoother. As long as you acknowledge your stresses and take a step back to see how you can counterbalance them, whether that is by delegating or taking breaks in between, it is okay to be stressed.

Unfortunately, even if you are doing everything right, or just simply getting through the day, you will have to do it all over again. Arthur suggests writing a motivational note to yourself that reminds you that you are doing great and that stress is okay that says something like this:

“Dear Tricia, You have ADHD, and it’s for real. Know that everything it takes to run your family and your life is way more difficult for you than it is for others. This means you gotta take care of yourself more than others have to take care of themselves. This also means you gotta give yourself a crap ton of grace. You really are rocking it and you really are intelligent and when you don’t feel you are either, be patient. Also, layer on the self-care, consult with your ADHD-specialized psychiatrist, and did I say be patient? Breathe and be patient. Now is not forever. Healing, a better grip, and inner calm always return in time. Hang on. Remember: You rock! Love, Tricia”

For more information on ADHD and its symptoms, please contact us. To learn how we can help you or your child who may be struggling with being successful with ADHD, contact us or visit our website. For more information on therapy, visit Hilber Psychological Services.

To learn how Neurofeedback can help with ADHD symptoms, visit San Diego Center for Neurofeedback, APPC or contact SDCNF for for more information.

- Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

References:

Arthur, Tricia. “Lazy Days of Summer? For ADHD Moms, That’s Not a Thing.” Attitude. Web. 7,  Aug. 2019. https://www.additudemag.com/i-hate-summer-adhd-mom

For the past few entries, I have been discussing the five love languages of children based on the book of the same name by authors Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. In previous entries, we have reviewed and discussed the first four love languages including physical touch (part 1 and part 2), words of affirmation (part 1 and part 2), quality time (part 1 and part 2), and gifts.Today, we will be discussing the last of the five love languages of children, Acts of Service.

An act of service is a parent’s ability to help a child with a specific task. This ranges from changing a baby’s diaper, to making a toddler’s bed, to helping an elementary-aged child fix his bike, to quizzing an adolescent on an upcoming test.

During acts of service, it is not a parent’s job to please a child, but rather to do what is best for the child. This may not satisfy the child in the moment, however, these skills will serve to help the child become a mature and independent adult.

For example, a child may want to eat ice cream after every meal. A parent can provide the child with this request, however, this may not be the best option for the child’s overall health. As such, giving the child ice cream every now and then may not be the child’s ultimate wish but it will help the child in his or her future.

Parents can view acts of service as a means to helping a child until that child is ready to learn the behavior on his or her own.

A father may show an act of service by cleaning his 2 year old daughter’s room - this is developmentally appropriate. However, if that father continues to clean his daughter’s room until she is 16 years old, he may be hindering his daughter’s ability to know how to clean and take care of her own individual needs. This may become a problem when she is ready to live on her own. As such, it would be more appropriate for the father to begin to teach his daughter how to clean her room and continue to help her until she is ready to clean her room on her own.

In this scenario, the father first models the behavior, then helps his daughter learn the behavior, and finally, allows the daughter to do the behavior on her own. That’s what this love language is all about - it is to help children emerge as mature adults who are able to give love to others by helping one another.

Be sure to visit us again next week to learn tips and tricks to parent a child whose love language is acts of service.

As a parent, if you feel learning about the 5 love languages has been helpful, seeking individual therapy can be a great way to take these topics and learn about them in relation to you and your family. There are many different types of therapy outside of individual therapy, including couples therapy and family therapy, that can help you and your family create, maintain, and/or strengthen connections. For more information on therapy, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services. If you would like to schedule an appointment, please contact us.