Emotions of children on the autism spectrum are often hard to comprehend. It is important to help children not only identify an emotion, but also connect that emotion to a specific event. According to Alice Kassotaki, speech language pathologist MSc, BSc, there are four steps to identifying emotions.

• -Step 1: Definition of the child’s emotion: “Nick, you look scared”.
• -Step 2: Connection of the emotion while it is being expressed: “Maybe you are scared because this is a new game”.  
• -Step 3: Confirmation that it is normal to have such an emotion: “It makes sense to be scared when you try something new for the first time”.
• -Step 4: Reassurance: “Let me help you. It will be easier and less scary if we do it together”.  

There are many simple games that can be played to help children identify emotions. Mirroring emotions and having children guess how you are feeling is a great way to have them practice recognizing emotions. One a child has accomplished this step, they will later learn how other people think, and then eventually be able to connect how their feeling in regard to what they are doing.

Children on the autism spectrum may have difficulties displaying empathy. However, during the transition period from early childhood to preschool age, children are able to gain some skills. For example:

• verbal and nom-verbal characterization of the emotional expressions
• use of emotional language to describe personal emotional experiences and to clarify others’ emotional experiences
• development of knowledge about the rules of emotional expression and how various emotions can occur at the same time
• gradual understanding of social emotions such as guilt

It is an important first step to understand one’s own emotions. Once this is achieved, identifying, understanding, and reacting to others’ emotions is crucial to building strong social skills. Misunderstanding social ques, such as non-verbal signs, can lead to miscommunication. A child may unknowingly misbehave because of the lack of understanding. This can often be avoided by teaching children specific emotions and reactions in the clearest way possible.

At a young age, 4 to 6, most children are able to understand the main emotions: joy, sadness, anger, and fear (think of the Disney movie, Inside Out). More complex emotions, such as pride, guilt, and shame, must be learned through the main emotions. Here are 7 ways to help children understand the complex emotions:

1.     Attention approach: some children must be taught to pay attention to social information. When you notice a child feeling a certain emotion, such as anger, state their emotion and why they are feeling that way while continuing to show nonverbal signals, such as crossed arms and stern voice.

2.     Naming the emotions: As a child begins to pay attention to social information, teach them the names of the emotions, starting with the main emotions. Using pictures of familiar faces with obvious emotions can help the child relate the name to the understanding of the emotion.

3.     Designation emotions: Once a child is able to look at a frown and identify that that person is sad, teach them how to designate each emotion. Ask questions such as “How does he feel?” to be able to designate different emotions

4.     Actions based on emotions: Now that the child is able to understand and designate each emotion, help them react based on emotions. Rather than looking at pictures, show them real life examples of emotion.

5.     Role-playing: Give the child different scenarios of receiving ice cream and feeling happy or losing a toy and feeling sad, allowing them to role-play and further identification and expression of emotions.

6.     Modeling (filming): When watching a movie or television show, point out characters’ emotions that the child will be able to relate to.

7.     Games and books: Playing board games and reading books are also great ways to help the child learn about others’ emotions in different situations. This is a way to turn learning into an interactive activity.

While this information is geared towards individuals on the autism spectrum, this same information about identifying and understanding emotions can be used to all children. 

 Contact us for more information on children on the autism spectrum, learning and expressing emotions, or for help with children who are struggling.

~Written by Allison Parker and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference: Kassotaki, Alice. (2017). “Emotions of Children on the Autism Spectrum.” Upbility.

One of the best ways to continue living a balanced lifestyle is to reduce stress levels, especially during the holidays. Stress does not only ruin your holidays, but it's also bad for your health. Between shopping, baking, cleaning, and entertaining, we sometimes forget that the holidays are supposed to be a fun, relaxing time spent with family and friends. When stress reaches it's top peak, it can be hard to gather and regroup. Here are some practical tips to help you get through the holidays, stress free: 

1. Acknowledge your feelings- Just because it is holiday season, that does not mean you have to be jolly all the time. If you have lost a family member or are unable to be with loved ones this holiday, it is okay to feel sad and cry. Acknowledging how you are feeling and accepting it can make the hard times a little more bearable.

2. Reach out- If you are feeling lonely, reach out to your community. Volunteering is a great way to pass time while feeling better about yourself and broadening friendships amongst your community. 

3. Be realistic- As years go on and people grow older, it is hard to make holidays perfect and the same as last year. Although traditions are important, there is always room for change. If family members are unable to make it this year, reach out and celebrate in other was to continue the holiday festivities.  

4. Set aside differences-  Try to make the most out of the time you have to spend with people. Accept family and friends for who they are and pick a different time to talk about your problems. Remember that other people are suffering from holiday stress as well. 

5. Stick to a budget- Holidays are not about who spent the most money. Before you begin shopping,  decide on a realistic budget and stick to it. Use techniques such as homemade gifts or family gift exchanges to keep the cost low. 

6. Plan ahead- Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, and visiting friends. Plan out events first then make lists of what you need to avoid last minute scrambling. Reach out to friends and plan ahead for party prep and clean up. Through all the madness, don't forget to save time for yourself. 

7. Learn to say no- Saying yes to every event will only lead to more stress. Friends and family members will understand if you can't participate in everything. If you start to feel overwhelmed, prioritize and take something off of your list.  

8. Don't abandon healthy habits- Eating healthy, exercising, and appropriate amounts of sleeping are all still important even during the holidays. It's easy to get caught up in the sweets every now and then,  but don't forget to take care of yourself.   

9. Take a breather- Spending just 15 minutes alone without any distractions can make all the difference. Go for a walk, listen to music, or read a book are some healthy ways to distract yourself and help with self care.  

10. Seek professional help as needed-  Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling persistently sad or anxious, plagued by physical complaints, unable to sleep, irritable and hopeless, and unable to face routine chores. If these feelings last for a while, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional. 

Effects of too much stress or chronic stress can exacerbate current problems or create more problems in life. The healthier your family is, the less difficult holidays are and the more enjoyable the holidays are. The more dysfunctional your family, the more important it is to have a survival plan. Use these tips to not only get through the holidays, but to get through everyday. 

If you have questions about stress and how it can affect you or your family's health or would like to schedule an appointment, please contact us. For more information on therapy, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services. 

Written by Allison Parker and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

Reference: Mayo Clinic Staff. “Tips for Coping with Holiday Stress.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 16 Sept. 2017.

For the past few articles, I have been exploring the three connection principles to use during discipline based on the book “No Drama Discipline” by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. The three principles include Turning Down the Shark Music, Chasing the Why, and Think about the How. Today, I will explore and discuss the final principle, Think About the How. To review the first two principles, please read the articles “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 1,” “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 2,” “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 3,” and “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 4.” To review the foundation of the three principles, review the articles “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation Part 1,” and “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation Part 2.”The past two principles, Turning Down the Shark Music and Chasing the Why, refer to the internal aspects of parenting. That is, these concepts explore both a parent’s and a child’s inner thoughts throughout each discipline interaction. The final principle, Think About the How, focuses more on the tone of the conversation, that is to say, how a parent expresses him or herself to the child, and less on what a parent actually says.

Let’s look at an example.

Susan has a 7yo son, Alex. It is 7pm on a Wednesday night, and Susan has asked Alex to brush his teeth before bed. The following three interactions are different ways Susan can say the same sentence, “Go brush your teeth.”

1. With a smile on her face, a calm-looking face, and a warm tone of voice, Susan says, “Go brush your teeth.”
2. With eyebrows turned inward, a scrunched up nose, and an angry voice, Susan says quickly, “Go brush your teeth.”
3. With a frown on her face, narrow eyes, and clenched teeth, Susan says, “Go. Brush. Your. Teeth.”

How do you think these scenarios would vary based on Susan’s tone? How do you think Alex would react to each scenario? These examples demonstrate just how much the how matters when a parent communicates with his or her child.

Throughout parental-child interactions, it is important to give the child a choice rather than focus solely on the consequence.

For example, a mother, Mary, is trying to get her 7yo daughter, Veronica, to bed. Veronica enjoys story time every night, which may be a good reward, or incentive, for getting to bed on time. Veronica decides she does not want to go to bed. Mary can state her message in one of two ways:

1. “Get into bed or you won’t get to read a story tonight.”
2. “If you get into bed now, we will have time to read a story. If not, we will run out of time and we will not be able to read a story tonight.”

In the first message, Mary stated a consequence. In the second message, Mary was able to give her child a choice, allowing the child to make a decision for herself. When it comes to parenting, giving children a choice allows the parent and child the opportunity to connect while simultaneously giving the child control over his or her choices. In this manner, a parent is teaching his or her child the reward or consequence that accompanies a given choice. This, in turn, will help the child navigate the world as an adult.

The how in No Drama Discipline may be a reflection about how the child feels about him or herself as well as how the child feels about the parent. Children learn how to treat others by observing how the parent treats others and modeling those behaviors. Children tend to be more cooperative when they feel connected to a parent. Futhermore, according to authors Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, discipline becomes more effective when the how is calm, playful, and respectful.

If you would like to learn more about parenting techniques and receive individualized treatment to address specific problems in your home, therapy can be a great place to do so. Please contact us at Hilber Psychological Services to explore therapy options. If you have any general questions, please visit our FAQ. 

Be sure to come back soon to read about more topics in the field of psychology and mental health.

Last week, I began to discuss the second of three principles, Chasing the Why, in the article “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 3.” These three principles, based on the book “No Drama Discipline” by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, examine how parents can connect with their children during discipline, utilizing the moment to teach a child rather than make a child feel bad. To learn about the foundation of No Drama Discipline, please review articles “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation, Part 1,” and “No Drama Discipline: The Foundation, Part 2.” To review the first principle in No Drama Discipline, Turning Down the Shark Music, please refer to the articles “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 1” and “No Drama Discipline: The Principles, Part 2.” A parent’s goal throughout discipline is to play the role of a detective. Chasing the Why asks parents to internally ask themselves, “what is my child trying to communicate through his or her behavior?” By remaining curious about a child’s behavior, a parent allows him or herself to look into a child’s internal state rather than the external behavior.

Let’s review an example of what discipline may look like utilizing the connection principle, Chasing the Why.

Dave is a single parent raising 12yo Alice. Alice has always been a good student and Dave hopes that Alice will follow in his footsteps to become a lawyer. One day, Dave receives a phone call from the school stating that Alice has been disruptive in class by frequently talking to classmates. Embarrassed about the call, Dave begins to become anxious. He imagines Alice's grades dropping and her future jeopardized. For Dave, his shark music regarding his own fears for his daughter’s future become louder. Instead of letting the shark music grow, Dave takes a deep breath to clear his head. He allows himself to become curious as he asks Alice questions about her behaviors rather than make assumptions about the motivation behind them. He may begin by asking Alice, “Alice, tell me about your day,” to first connect with Alice. Dave may then ask Alice specific questions about the conversation with Alice’s teacher. “Alice, I heard from your teacher today. She seems to think that you have been more talkative in class than usual. Tell me a little about that.”

By taking the time to explore the reasons behind the child’s behavior, a parent may be surprised from what the child’s motivation is rather than the parent’s own perceived motivation. In the above scenario, Alice may reply that she has been more talkative because she recently made a new friend, or that her friend had a bad day and she wanted to make her feel better. The parent will still have to help the child learn strategies to handle these situations in an appropriate manner, however, by chasing the why the parent is creating a way to connect with the child rather than dismissing the child and missing the opportunity to understand the child’s motivation for the behavior.

Tips and Tricks: It is important for parents not to directly ask, “Why did you do this?” For many children (and even adults) asking “why” can cause defensiveness in those being asked. Furthermore, depending on the age of the child, the child may not be at a developmental level where he or she could tell you the motivation for the behavior. It is not uncommon for parents to hear “I don’t know” when asking a child about an event. Try asking open-ended questions (i.e. “What did you do in school today?”) instead of closed-ended questions (i.e. “Did you get into trouble today?"). Closed-ended questions will limit the interaction between parent and child.

Chasing the why is asking parents to ask “why” in their own heads in order to create that curiosity and let that open mindset guide the conversation. In this way parents can begin to not only address the external concerns, or behaviors, but look into the child’s internal concerns, or the root cause underneath the behavior, to prevent future problematic behaviors.

If you would like more support in parenting your child, whether in couples therapy or individual therapy, please do not hesitate to contact us at Hilber Psychological Services to explore options. Therapy can be a great way for parents to discuss personal concerns that may get in the way of parenting. If you have any general questions, please visit our FAQ.

Tune back next time as we examine the third and final principle, Think About the How based on the book “No Drama Discipline” by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.